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75% Of Our Stories Are Based In South America! 25% Contain Nudity!

A POOR CRAFTSMAN ALWAYS BLAMES HIS TOOLS
And speaking of "tools," Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher, previously called the "less-annoying Gallagher," blamed the "bad taste" of the U.S. public for hindering the sales of British bands. "Americans have got very bad taste, hence the Backstreet Boys. [They] can't sing, can't play and can't dance," Gallagher told a news conference in Caracas, Venezuela, where his band closed a huge music festival Sunday (1/21), Reuters reports. Indicators indicate that U.S. fans, many with "bad taste," gobbled up the Noel-penned "Wonderwall," thus making the British thug a multimillionaire.

REMEMBER THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN ROCK STARS WORE TUBE SOCKS?
Queens Of The Stone Age bassist Nick Oliveri was arrested Friday (1/19) for indecent exposure after the band's performance at the Rock In Rio Festival in Brazil. Oliveri reportedly played over half of the show naked before being urged to put on some pants. At the end of the band's set, he was arrested by Brazil's military police. The musician was later let go by a local judge, since authorities could not find the "smoking gun."

PERHAPS IT WAS THEIR HUMAN RIGHT TO STEAL IT?
Less than a week after receiving it, Sting had the human rights medal awarded to him by the Chilean government stolen from his dressing room. The crime occurred in normally crime-free Buenos Aires, Argentina, before the aging thought-rocker was set to take the stage, according to SonicNet.com. According to Reuters, the Gabriela Mistral Medal was in a bag of personal items stolen while Sting was onstage for sound check. "If his tantric sound check hadn't lasted seven hours," said one authority, "this crime probably wouldn't have happened."

NOW PLAYING ON DAVID SIMUTIS' COMPUTER!
The lineup for the ninth annual Noise Pop Festival has been announced. The six-day music fest will be held in San Francisco, Feb. 27-March 4, with shows in multiple venues for the first time ever. Featured at this year's fest are Superchunk, Girls Against Boys, Grandaddy, Creeper Lagoon, The Minus 5, The Fastbacks, Spoon, and The Bellrays, among others. Shows will be held at numerous clubs around SF, including Bimbo's 365, Great American Music Hall, Slim's, Bottom Of The Hill and Caf Du Nord.

NEAR TRUTHS:
HOWDY, PARTNER
Redrawing the Mason-Dixon Line (5/22a)
HITS LIST: HORSEPOWER
Let's look under the hood. (5/21a)
GRAMMYS SET 2/2/25 DATE FOR NEXT EDITION
It'll be here before you know it. (5/22a)
COULD BILLIE SCORE HER BIGGEST BOW YET?
Art and commerce intersect. (5/21a)
THE COUNT: UPPING THE HEADLINER ANTE
The latest action from the live sector (5/22a)
THE NEW UMG
Gosh, we hope there are more press releases.
TIKTOK BANNED!
Unless the Senate manages to make this whole thing go away, that is.
THE NEW HUGE COUNTRY ACT
No, not that one.
TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN PLAYLIST
Now 100% unlicensed!
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