CAN YOU DIGIT? DEADHEADS CAN...

Acid-rock heroes Grateful Dead are about to open their vault of 2,000 live shows recorded over three decades of touring, and it's tearing the last surviving members apart.

Renown for encouraging the non-commercial trading of bootleg recordings and more recently, MP3s, the hysterics began when bassist Phil Lesh split from drummer Mickey Hart, guitarist Bob Weir and the rest of the group because he believed a rumor that the band was selling out to a large corporation, namely Satan's Sergeant of Arms, Microsoft.

The burning issue of this archive, which will be made available at wallofsound.go.com/artists/thegratefuldead/home.html, has led to Lesh foregoing the band's performance at this year's Furthur Festival to open for fellow alter cocker Bob Dylan. Meanwhile, his bandmates have transferred their music to a digital system over his objections, turning peace and love into the gnashing of teeth.

"Nobody's at war with Phil," Mickey Hart said recently while selling tie dye t-shirts on eBay that say, "Kill Phil." "He's just in a twisted dimension of total irrelevance called the Phil Zone." (This is a ripping riposte at Lesh's Web site cryptically called "The Phil Zone.") The rest of the band was surprised by Lesh's reaction, feeling that it would take 20 lifetimes to get the material out without going digital and they couldn't count on Lesh to do it since he underwent a liver transplant last year.

"Within a month or two we'll have some very surprising news for all," Hart said, while handing out buttons that said, "Jerry Thought Phil Was a Dick." "It's going to be to everyone's delight."

This nugget of hope fired across the partially mutated neurons of the chemically addled brains of multitudinous legions of fanatical Deadheads, leaving the hungry horde breathless for a hint. Hart basked in the silence for a moment, then whispered. "I found the dude who gave Phil the liver and I convinced him to auction it off on eBay."