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“Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in.”

HEEEEEERE’S ROY…AGAIN!!!

It Is Our Distinct Pleasure to Announce That We WILL Have Trakin to Kick Around Once More
Proving for the third time that he’s unemployable anywhere else, Roy Trakin has returned to HITS with his tail between his legs for a third tour of duty at the cesspool. In his capacity as Senior Editor, Trakin will be responsible for whatever it was he did the last time he pretended to work at the magazine.

“Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in,” said Trakin, as he sat at his creaky old chair, fired up his ancient computer and pushed aside the chicken bones he’d left on his desk in early 2005. “Hey, can I get in on the lunch order? I’ll have the linguini and clams.”

Trakin then searched his desk drawers hoping to find some seeds and stems from years gone by before bending over and assuming the position.

Commented Editurr in Chief Lenny Beer, “Didn’t we get rid of him again last year, and how much is he paying me now that he’s back?” Publisher Dennis Lavinthal remained on vacation and was unavailable for comment.

Trakin joined HITS in 1986, leaving for a year in 1989, although no one noticed he was gone. He spent 2005 attempting to sell Betamax copies of Tommy Lee’s sex tapes on eBay.

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HITS LIST GETS ANIMATED
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1947-2022
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OOH, LAS VEGAS
You're gonna make a poor boy outta me.
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...than 24 hours in a day.
PALMS SWEAT, BLACKJACK
on a Saturday night
SIN CITY
Lamborginis and caviar Dry martinis, Shangri-La
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