HITS DOWNLOADS POLLACK

And with those words, self-proclaimed music-industry legend Marc Pollack is officially appointed Editor In Chief of hitsdailydouble.com, where the information may be inaccurate, but at least there are plenty of purdy pictures.

Per Marc's instructions, we contacted many of his close friends in the industry, including Michele Anthony, Polly Anthony, Sylvia Rhone, Jordan Schur, Jeff Kwatinetz, Russ Thyret, Doug Morris and Roger Ames. It was through them that we discovered Marc's nickname: "Who?"

Before coming to HITS in January 2000, Pollack served as Music Editor of The Hollywood Reporter, where he received many accolades, including the prestigious "Award Of Appreciation" from Daily Variety, which cited Marc's contribution to making its music coverage appear "cogent, comprehensive, timely and accurate."

Since this story was written before 11:30 a.m., Marc was not in the office and conveyed his comments to us from the special "Lip Phone" conveniently located in Jeff Kwatinetz's butt.

"I'm one of the most beloved people in the industry and far too heavy to talk to you," gurgled Pollack, as he added a bit more starch to Kwatinetz's Fruit of the Looms. "I will send you my written statement… Hey, bartender, hand me a piece of paper."

Here is the unedited text of Marc's statement: "You ar luky to hav me. I yam thuh muzik biznuss. Why du peepul allwaze ripp off my stuf!!!"

"Marc has quickly become loved and appreciated by all the members of the HITS family," said Beer. "At least those who are here between noon and 3 p.m."

HITS Publisher Dennis Lavinthal was on vacation and unavailable for comment.