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READ THAT FUNKY MUSIC NEWS, WHITE BOY

They Were Dancin’ & Singin’ & Movin’ To The Groovin’ & Just When It Hit Me, Somebody Turned Around & Shouted

KISS ME DEADLY
A woman has filed a lawsuit against Kiss, saying she was injured by a broken guitar hurled into the crowd by lead singer Paul Stanley. Carly Miller filed suit last week against the band, a Grand Rapids venue and three companies linked to the May 8 concert. In the suit, Miller claims that she suffered severe damage to her hand after a string wrapped around one of her fingers and was pulled by fans trying to grab the guitar parts. The woman temporarily lost all feeling in her right middle finger and has a permanent scar. She also suffered bruises from being pulled over two rows of chairs, her representatives said. In related news, Kiss' Gene Simmons has been sued for allegedly singing the eyebrows of fans sitting as far away as the third row of the balcony.

METAL MERGER
Century Media Records
and Nuclear Blast America have formed a strategic alliance to combine under one roof. The two German companies have pounded out the details for a new metal monster, cheekily dubbed by one insider as a "metal monopoly," to come to life. Century Media CEO Oliver Withoeft said, "It's not our intention to become a monopoly, but we are excited about the opportunity to be working together with one of the world's premier metal labels." The combined company will have a roster that includes Century Media's Stuck Mojo, Iced Earth, Skinlab and Nuclear Blast's Savatage, S.O.D., In Flames and Hammerfall. Nuclear Blast is in the process of relocating their operations to the West Coast, uniting both companies. HITS' resident head-banger Rich Ortega has already called them to see when they'll be buying him cocktails.

NOT THE INVISIBLE RABBIT, BUT THE SINGER
U2 has chosen PJ Harvey to open the dates on its upcoming, but not-yet-scheduled world tour. Harvey previously toured with the Irish band in 1993. Some insiders were relieved that this gave tour attendees a reason not to feel guilty about showing up after 9 p.m.

IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL THE FAT GUY SINGS
Luciano Pavarotti has offered to do an encore performance for concert-goers who attended a disappointing show last weekend. The 5,000 audience members at Saturday's (11/11) sold-out show at the Trump Taj Mahal Casino Resort had paid between $80 and $1,000 per ticket. The tenor had a bad cold and knew he was delivering a substandard performance, so he has offered to do it again. Details of the encore performance have not been announced. "That's the last time I eat a pizza, prime rib, the casino's buffet, a 100-pound swordfish and two dozen donuts before a show," the larger-than-life vocalist said. "Those donuts were obviously too much."

THE CEREMONY WAS HELD ON A STRETCH OF BARREN LAND THE GOVERNMENT DIDN'T WANT ANYWAY
Rita Coolidge
received a lifetime music award at the Native American Music Awards. She was one of many American Indian musicians honored at Saturday's (11/11) awards show. Shortly after the ceremony, the American government came in and claimed the honor as its own before an impromptu casino was opened on the ballroom floor.

K-TEL SELLS SUBSIDIARY AT NEW LOW, LOW PRICE!
K-tel International, which develops, sells and distributes music and entertainment products worldwide, said Tuesday (11/14) that it is closing its British subsidiary, K-tel Marketing, to eliminate unprofitable operations and streamline the company. The unit contributed about one-third of K-tel's sales for the first quarter of fiscal 2001. The move will not affect the operations of K-tel Entertainment, through which the company said it will continue to sell its music products in Britain and Europe. "Fans should not be concerned," a company man said. "This move will not affect the future sales of Slim Whitman or Boxcar Willie."

THIS TIME, THE JUDGE WILL BE THE ONE WEARING THE WIG AND THE LONG DRESS
Sir Elton John is set to take center stage at London's High Court today (11/15) in a $28 million legal battle against the "men in suits." John is suing PricewaterhouseCoopers in a claim involving money that is allegedly missing from his business empire. The 53-year-old rocker is expected to first take the witness stand in London's Royal Courts of Justice around mid-morning, where he will give evidence of the missing funds. Lawyer Gordon Pollock, representing John, has told the judge that the star had an aversion to "men in suits"—lawyers, accountants and others—who badgered him to pay attention to boring financial details. Pollock, no relation to a certain lovable HITS reporter, said that rather than get involved in that side of the business, John hired others to do the tedious administrative tasks. He had, said Pollock, "trusted them implicitly" and paid them well for their services. The judge shrugged, saying, "Apparently not well enough!" Added Elton:  "Of course, what I said doesn't apply to men wearing birthday suits."

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