HITS UNDER ATTACK:
THE AFTERMATH

The HITS building remained empty Friday as authorities threw up their hands and informed management that they would soon discontinue their investigation into Tuesday night’s vicious car attack that left zero dead and injured no one, as far as anyone knows.

“We have no clues, no tips and only a couple of ridiculous theories devised by your so-called writers, whom we strongly suspect are into drugs,” Van Nuys Sheriff’s Deputy Lester Clarence told HITS Friday afternoon. “Besides, the vehicle involved in the accident pretty much just dented your doorway, so you’re on your own. I’ve got graffiti artists to persecute.”

Nevertheless, given the general air of fear and near panic in the area, management has decided not to withdraw its “Faded, Grimy Pink Alert,” issued yesterday. A “Faded, Grimy Pink Alert” is issued when the threat of attack is considered to be high.

“Those guys haven’t painted this building since they built it in 1986,” Facilities Manager Scott Killam told a group of reporters gathered outside HITS headquarters. “As far as I know, we’ve been on Faded, Grimy Pink Alert since, oh, about 1994. Look, my annual building maintenance budget is $24.50. What do you want from me?”

The closing of the HITS building in the wake of the attack has already begun to impact the local economy. The Starbucks down the block, for instance, reported that sales of both coffee and the ingredients used to make frothy poser beverages were off some 50% from last week, while the local liquor store also moved fewer cases of Coors Light and vodka, the traditional fuel of some lesser HITS editorial hacks.

Elsewhere, conspiracy theorists continued to gnash their teeth wondering who would risk being seen in Sherman Oaks, let alone drive a car into the HITS lobby. Reports that some have suggested the attack may have been the work of Jay Faires or Rob Kahane could not be confirmed.

“We are going to get to the bottom of this,” HITS spokesperson Sean Topham told reporters. “The management is prepared to invest tens of dollars on a team of private investigators, or private dicks, as I like to call them. Hey, was somebody talking about beer a minute ago?”

“Dicks are good,” noted Editor in Chief Lenny Beer from his hermetically sealed tactical bunker nearby. Publisher Dennis Lavinthal was still on vacation and unavailable for comment.