Jonathan Cohen has joined the HITS staff as senior editor. He has not yet broken this heartbreaking news to his family.

In the course of his duties, Cohen (pictured here with the legendary Dolly Parton; he's the one with the beard) will surrender whatever remains of his dignity while assembling kooky-wacky stories about the biz, updating our gerbil-powered website and editing the work that his colleagues have cut-and-pasted from press releases.

Over the course of a 25-year career in music journalism, Cohen has overseen daily editorial for Billboard.com and served as the print magazine’s music editor; crafted content for Vice; and penned the authorized biography Pearl Jam 20 (a New York Times bestseller). He also booked musical guests for the first six years of Jimmy Fallon’s late-night NBC show, which saw the U.S. TV debuts of Kendrick Lamar, Frank Ocean, Lorde, Ed Sheeran, Kacey Musgraves, Future, Tyler, the Creator and Tame Impala, and helped produce a series of multidisciplinary arts festivals in Los Angeles and New York for the David Lynch Foundation.

Now, however, Cohen’s professional momentum has well and truly stalled as he finds himself careening out of the fast lane and into the career cul-de-sac that is HITS.

“Who is Jonathan Cohen, and why am I paying him?” asked Editor in Chief Lenny Beer in a momentary break from perusing ESPN.

Publisher Dennis Lavinthal was on vacation and unavailable for comment.