Simon Glickman has been “promoted” to chief content officer at HITS.

Per tradition, the HITS lifer’s new title confers neither increased salary nor augmented benefits, nor does it change Glickman’s role at the company, which, as far as anyone can tell, is to unfurl pretentious verbiage by the yard as filler—oh, sorry, content—between overpriced advertisements.

Armed with this meaningless moniker, Glickman will continue to wield his pompously inflated vocabulary like a cudgel to alternately baffle and traumatize his fellow editorial gerbils. When not firing off indignant emails nobody reads, he will persist in penning eloquent screeds about the latest face-tattooed phenoms to amble up the streaming charts and assorted other chunks of HITS-branded dreck. Er, content.

L.A. native Glickman, who never tires of reminding everyone that he earned a doctorate from Oxford University (bestowed during the reign of George VI), began at HITS in 1997 as associate editor and deputy coffee bitch. He was fired in 2004 after absconding with his direct superior’s weed stash and re-hired in 2012 when he returned it. He has since been given an array of ever-more-important-sounding titles.

“Who is Simon Glickman and why am I paying him?” asked HITS Editor-in-Chief Lenny Beer shortly before dropping his phone in the toilet yet again. “Also, tell the chief content officer to pick up my fucking 5 iron from the pro shop.”

“Simon Glickman writes purdy words,” noted COO Todd Hensley. “Also, sometimes during meetings he starts crying. Was I not supposed to mention that?”

Executive Editor Craig Marks suggested a consumer-facing listicle titled “Top 10 Jobs Simon Glickman Should’ve Applied for Instead.”

HITS Publisher Dennis Lavinthal was on vacation and unavailable to comment.