HOW TO STAY HOME BUT MAKE EVERYONE THINK YOU’RE AT COACHELLA

Look, we get it—you need to convey your recognition of Coachella’s massive pop-cultural importance and relevance to the marketplace. At the same time, you’d really rather not leave your home, where there is comfortable seating, climate control and Postmates.

Therefore, we at HITS offer this primer to help you create the illusion that you're roughing it in the desert, checking out all those tastemaker acts and getting to know what the kids really think when you’re actually playing Wordle in your breakfast nook and bingeing The Power.

First off, set up an out-of-office message that indicates you’ll have limited cell reception.

Next, make sure at least one device is streaming the YouTube Coachella channel at all times. Bombard your socials with appropriately timed posts like “Bunny just hit a whole other level” or “Metro’s set: game changer,” illustrated with the pics your nephew’s friends are posting. Then, when you get a call, turn the feed up to deafening levels and tell whoever it is you’ll call them back after Hiatus Kaiyote does its last song.

Now that you've made it sound like you’re there, you need to make it look like you’re there. That’s where a video Zoom background of roadies breaking down a backline comes in handy, lending a cinema verité credibility to your blatant deception.

But how will your look convey the predations of the desert on those Zoom calls? Throw on a ratty concert T-shirt and ball cap and tie a bandana around your neck. You’ll want to get your hands on some sand (readily available at any nursery) and stick some of it to your face. And to really simulate the climate, purchase a bottle of Maekup’s “Sunburn” ($32) to give you that no-SPF effect. You may also want to drop some molly for verisimilitude, but that’s your call.

Finally, and this is absolutely crucial, text “where u at?” to colleagues you know are there and make them tell you in excruciating detail where they’re posted. Later, explain that you looked all over but didn’t see them.

If you follow these instructions diligently, you will seem to have braved the elements, the drug-addled mobs, the parking and the punishing effects of standing through three encores, and no one will be the wiser.

Or you could just go, in which case please send pics we can pass off as our own.

Pill photo by Adrian Frentescu

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