Quantcast

HITS HENSLEY UPPED TO COO IN LIEU OF RAISE

HITS co-founders Dennis Lavinthal and Lenny Beer are pleased to announce… eh, maybe we should start again.

HITS co-founders Dennis Lavinthal and Lenny Beer are obligated to announce the promotion of Todd Hensley to Chief Operating Officer.

In his new post, HITS veteran Hensley will be requisitioned a slightly larger desk, from which he will oversee company “operations,” such as they are, including the print publication, the HitsDailyDouble website, Pop and Rhythm radio formats and whoopee-cushion manufacturing.

He will also, of course, roll his perpetual wheedling phone calls in hopes of extracting advertising, gossip or both from whichever unlucky industry professionals fail to dodge him. Said professionals will additionally be subjected to excruciatingly dull stories about tuna fishing, scuba diving, zip-lining and other activities that are ostensibly fun to do but exasperating to hear about.

A native of Merkel, Texas—where dancing was forbidden and sheep were afraid—Hensley has nonetheless managed to learn enough Yiddish phrases to communicate with his coworkers. Fun fact: He spells on a third-grade level and is still overqualified to run point on HITS editorial.

Hensley subsists almost entirely on fried chicken tenders, gallons of spiced rum and Pineapple Express “medical” cannabis. His accomplishments at HITS include teaching extracurricular classes in cow-tipping and saying “Yeeeeee-haw” in at least one language.

“Who is Todd Hensley, why am I paying him and what the hell is a Chief Operating Officer?” asked Beer, adding, “From what I hear, the guy can barely operate a toaster.”

Lavinthal was on vacation and unavailable for comment.

TOP 20: HOUSE
ON A HILL
Harry is popular. (5/26a)
SONG REVENUE: HIGHFLIERS
A combined 30 of 50 (5/26a)
NEAR TRUTHS:
SAFE KEEPING
What's the big deal? I.B. Bad has the answers. (5/26a)
STRINGER TOUTS SONY MUSIC TO SHAREHOLDERS
Rob lays out the company strategy (5/26a)
EVP STRIPES FOR UMe'S MURTHY
A total pro gets her due. We bow down. (5/26a)
SUPERSTAR RELEASES
Who's next?
MUSIC BIZ SPECIAL
It's Comic-Con for numbers geeks.
THE BIG CHEESE
Theories of evolution from 30,000 feet.
THE NEXT GIANT DEAL
A&R in overdrive.
 Email

 First Name

 Last Name

 Company

 Country
CAPTCHA code
Captcha: (type the characters above)