WE'VE REALLY MISSED
THESE ZOOM PICTURES

Hey, listen, maybe "vaccination hesitancy" and anti-mask lunacy have enabled the Delta variant to overtake our hospitals and obliged us to face another indefinite stretch of online shopping, Netflix binges and the creeping insanity engendered by staring at the same four fucking walls for months on end, but at least we get to look at postage-stamp-sized images of people on their laptops again.

Do we sound bitter? Because we are great. Just great.

Anyhoo, the people in this digital confab are genuinely chipper about the fact that "Arcade" by Capitol's Duncan Laurence has gone platinum. The international Zoom to mark this august occasion brought together the label's U.S. and Netherlands teams as well as the artist, who got the news straight from the peeps with the data. It was truly a freilach occasion, as they say in Holland, and nobody suspected that Michelle Jubelirer was discreetly doing a Sudoku. Or that Greg Marella was wearing his pink bunny slippers. Or that Larry Mattera's virtual background was an exact replica of his actual background.

Now if you'll excuse us, we're going to crush up a Benadryl, stir it into a jelly jar full of gin and re-watch Below Decks.