HITS loser Simon Glickman has been promoted* to the post of VP/Managing Editor. In his new capacity, he will continue to do whatever the hell he does on the website and magazine, only his name will appear 11 centimeters higher on the masthead.

The first person drunk enough to accept the position, Glickman will report to Presidents Todd Hensley and Karen Glauber, assuming they can be located.

Glickman, whose Doctorate from Oxford University makes him spectacularly overqualified for a job that consists largely of copying and pasting press releases and penning wacky photo captions about radio guys, began his most recent stint at HITS in 2012; he previously “served” at the cesspool from 1997-2004, during which time he clawed his way to the post of deputy assistant in charge of cleaning the office bong.

“Who is Simon Glickman, and how much did he pay for this promotion?” asked HITS Editor in Chief Leonard J. Beer. “Also, who’s in charge of the bong now?”

HITS Publisher Dennis Lavinthal was on vacation and unavailable for comment.

* “Promoted” in this context should not be construed as an advancement in terms of stature or compensation.