ALPHABET STOCK DOES AWESOME ZOOM, GIVING INVESTORS GOOGLY EYES

Google's parent company, Alphabet, posted ridiculous profits and sales in Q3, vaulting stock up 10% to a record-breaking peak. Sales spiked 13% over the same period in 2014 (to $18.7 billion) and profit went up 45%, with growth largely coming from mobile search (we know, because we Googled it).

Alphabet stock is currently trading at 716.50.

YouTube (which, readers of this site will recall, will be kicking off its video subscription service YouTube Red mere days from now) also enjoyed a killer quarter.

"With six products now having more than 1 billion users globally, we're excited about the opportunities ahead of Google, and across Alphabet," declared CFO Ruth Porat just before snorting a line of gold flakes off the hull of her diamond-encrusted flying Tesla.

Oh, one more thing: the Alphabet board approved a stock buyback starting in Q4 valued at exactly $5,099,019,513.59. Why that precise amount? Because it's the square root of 26, the number of letters in the alphabet. Which proves a nerd is a nerd is a nerd, even if you're rich enough to buy Star Wars.