The Sweet Smell of Excess

THE SWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: In the wake of the security guard who filed suit against Universal Music Publishing Group last week for complaining the place was "infiltrated with pervasive drug use where you could smell marijuana seeping from various offices and openly used in common areas," HITS magazine has authorized the use of the revolutionary GPen, which vaporizes wax-encased pot emitting nary an odor. Said one slightly stoned Senior Editor: “What do you mean you ate all the M&Ms?” (4/16p)

HITS LIST: AROUND
THE MAYPOLE
The biz springs into motion. (5/13a)
MALONE, WALLEN APPEAR NOT TO NEED "HELP" ACHIEVING MILESTONE
A genre-obliterating collab (5/13a)
RAJ KAPOOR: STACKING THE STARS, MAKING THE ACMs SHINE
Producer putting the finishing touches on Thursday's show. (5/13a)
WHAT'S NOT TO "LIKE?" HUGE STREAMS FOR KING KENDRICK
No longer keeping his diss-tance. (5/13a)
NEW RELEASES: "HELP" ARRIVES, SWIFT EXTENDS STREAK
Post, Morgan and the ever-popular POETS (5/13a)
THE NEW UMG
Gosh, we hope there are more press releases.
TIKTOK BANNED!
Unless the Senate manages to make this whole thing go away, that is.
THE NEW HUGE COUNTRY ACT
No, not that one.
TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN PLAYLIST
Now 100% unlicensed!
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