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MAGICAL FIDUCIARY TOUR: UMG ruler Lucian Grainge welcomes dignitaries to the firm’s Global Leadership Conference at its Santa Monica offices just before delivering his keynote address, “You’re Amazing! Spend Less Money.” Seen mentally curating a Beats Music playlist of vintage quarterly reports are (l-r) IGA Chairman/CEO Jimmy Iovine, Island Records founder Chris Blackwell, Grainge and Def Jam Co-Founder Russell Simmons. Later, Blackwell rolled a blunt the size of a Louisville Slugger and got Max Hole stoned as a newt. (2/6p)

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NEAR TRUTHS:
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Historical parallels from I.B. Bad (3/31a)
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Oh, that's a sports thing too? We just meant that we're losing our minds.
VIRAL MARKETING
How we talk about the Coronavirus.
BERNIE
Can he crash on your couch?
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