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R.I.P. HITS

Music Trade Magazine Dead at 19
They said it wouldn’t last. And they were right.

After nearly 19 years of leeching off the back of the once-glamorous music biz (and we don’t mean that in the sanitary, medical-leech kind of way), HITS Magazine, Inc. can suck no more. The occasionally amusing but mostly annoying would-be publishing institution is officially throwing in the towel at the close of business today.

No notice of the impending closure was given in an attempt to keep the few grueling losers left on staff from fleeing like rats from a sinking ship. Rumors based on varying degrees of truth have been circulating for some time, but the fact is, without enough ad revenue left to even keep the lights on, we’re going the way of Record World, Cashbox, Fred and the Bobby Poe Report.

The beloved HITS “cesspool” building in Sherman Oaks, which has been composting itself for years (aided especially by this year’s 36 inches of rain leaking in from every crevice), has been sold. A funeral pyre made of old magazines will be built in the parking lot of the Pineapple Hill Saloon, a local watering hole where HITS losers have been known to gather over the years, seeking relief from popcorn fights and unhealthy amounts of strong drink. Services will be held and the pyre lit at 4 p.m. Saturday.

Said HITS Editor in Chief Lenny Beer, “Does this mean I can stop paying those weird people I sometimes see in the hall?”

Publisher Dennis Lavinthal was on vacation and unavailable for comment.

As for what the future may hold for the two HITS principals, many theories abound. The most likely involves Beer, who has always wanted to be a lesbian, getting a sex change and joining the LPGA. Lavinthal will also likely have a sex change performed and join the men's senior tour.

Anyway, whoever said, “This too shall pass” was apparently talking about us. It’s been a fun run for the most part, folks. Thanks for the memories.

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(As with most items appearing on hitsdailydouble.com, legitimate news organizations should reserve their right to call into question the veracity of this report.)

HITS LIST: AMPERSANDS
Dynamic duos (12/3a)
TAYLOR'S TREMENDOUS YEAR
She'd make one helluva CEO. (12/3a)
THEY CALL THE WINDFALL MARIAH (HOLIDAY EDITION)
Ch-chingle bells (12/3a)
SONG REVENUE:
BOWS OF HOLLY
Adele is money. (12/3a)
UTA MUSIC EXPANDS IN NASHVILLE
Reshuffling the deck (12/3a)
CHESTNUTS
Roasting.
STOCKINGS
Stuffing.
PIPERS
Piping.
SANTA
Coming.
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