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Steve Nash! Victoria, BC, baby! What’s all the controversy about? We don’t cry when Americans win hockey trophies. Chelios won the Norris. Tampa Bay won the last Stanley Cup. We even don’t mind Brett Hull playing for the U.S.
—and he’s from North Van. A Canadian invented basketball...lest
we forget.
A FRIGHTENINGLY LAME WEAKEND PLANNER, BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
We’re Not Superstitious, but Consider This: Just Because You’re Paranoid Doesn’t Mean Somebody Isn’t Following You
Think to yourself, “Oh, Friday the 13th—this sure is a scary day!” Then be convinced that everything’s going to go wrong today. Then remember, “Oh wait, everything goes wrong every day.” Then remember how simply wonderful it is to be pessimistic. Fuck Friday the 13th.

CALENDAR
Friday, May 13
11:15 a.m.
Spoon live on KCRW: If you’ve discovered this sublime band out of Austin, you were probably among the hundreds who packed cavernous Amoeba Music for their mind-blowing in-store performance Wednesday night, which from moment to moment vividly brought to mind Big Star, the Stones, Booker T & the MG’s and leader Britt Daniel’s beloved John Lennon, while never coming across as anything less than totally original. Daniel oozes charisma, and his partner, Jim Eno, may have the tightest behind-the-beat time of any rock drummer in the business right now. In the crowd for the in-store was artist/producer Jon Brion, who sang along with songs like “The Way We Get By” (from 2002’s creative breakthrough, Kill the Moonlight) and afterward raved that the band’s music is “incredibly nuanced” (he should know). Spoon’s fourth album, Gimme Fiction, came out Tuesday on way-happenin' indie Merge (Arcade Fire, M. Ward), and you need it, whether you know it or not, as you’ll discover if you tune in to the group’s in-studio set on Nic Harcourt’s Morning Becomes Eclectic, streaming live and archived for leisure listening.

4:00 p.m.
Detroit at Indiana on ESPN

6:30 p.m.
Phoenix at Dallas on ESPN

7:00 p.m.
Early Bird: A Memoir of Premature Retirement by: Rodney Rothman: Here’s a former TV writer for Letterman, etc., whose last show was canceled, so he decided to move to Boca. To a retirement home. At 28 years old. He finds there are cliques just like in high school and even considers a fling with an older woman. Ironically, his desire to get away from it all resulted in a book and a television pilot. Or maybe not so ironically.

7:40 p.m.
Dodgers battle the Braves at Chavez Ravine

8:00 p.m.
Crash: There are a lot of good movies opening this weekend, but we want you to see one that opened last weekend. Our own Jesse Beer came in the office raving about it and the buzz has been tremendous. (Did someone just call us fat?)

10:30 p.m.
Adult:If you can’t act like one, go see this sold-out show & get your Electronic/Punk fix with the hip east side kids. They’re holding onto tickets that you’ll be able to buy at the door @ Echo (1822 W. Sunset Blvd)

11:00 p.m.
Slum Village w/ Rahsaan Patterson @ House of Blues 
 
Saturday, May 14
9:00 a.m.
Celebrate the graduation of Lenny Beer’s daughter Sofee: Taking place at the University of Arizona in Tucson. The Beer Family will be there in person; the rest of us will be there in spirit.

11:00 a.m.
Reshape Your Ass: A team of Taiwanese surgeons has designed this “memory-foam cushion” that claims to reshape, curve, tone and tighten your ass in just 90 days. Now, I’m not so sure how effective this is, but I triple dog dare you to carry this bad boy around to lunch at The Ivy, dinner at Koi and shows at the Henry Fonda. For Info: www.gadgetuniverse.com

3:00 p.m.
Third Eye Gathering: Sounding very L.A., very align your charkas with your 3rd eye … but this is actually an event with various artists, bands, food and drinks. I guess drinks should’ve been listed first. An awesome line up of bands featuring Revolve and headliner Aviatic. Featured Artwork: Cam De Leon & Chet Zar (both have worked with TOOL). @ Hangar 1018 (1018 Santa Fe Ave., LA., www.thirdeyegathering.com)

5:00 p.m.
Miami at Washington on ABC
7:30 p.m.
She She Comedy:
Great lineup of mostly girl comics @ The Comedy Union (5040 W. Pico Blvd., just west of La Brea Blvd., 323-934-9300)

8:00 p.m.
The Argument: A new play at the Vineyard Theatre. What happens when two people who say they love each other so much fight over something so precious that they get to a point of no return? Easy—they go get drunk. Separately. They hook up with two different people and shit moves on. Strong cast (Melissa Leo, John Rothman, Jay O. Sanders) and writer (Alexandra Gersten-Vassilaros, an ’04 Pulitzer Prize finalist). (208 E. 15th St., NYC)

Elle 3 at the Whisky: These three gorgeous blonde sisters are back on the Strip to rock out for you.

Daysend w/ Otep, Gizmachi and DevilInside @ Montgomery World Plaza, Bakersfield

10:30 p.m.
Whitey: Get your dance on, babies. This guy kicks ass. @ Echo (1822 W. Sunset Blvd)

11:30 p.m.
Saturday Night Live (NBC) : Get psyched children—tonight’s host is Will Ferrell. Music guests: Queens of the Stone Age. Should be a strong one.

Sunday, May 15
NBA Basketball:
Today’s match-ups are Detroit at Indiana, Phoenix at Dallas and San Antonio at Seattle. Sunday will be filled with basketball, but you have to keep an eye out for the exact times of the games, as they have yet to be announced. And frankly, even if they were announced, we don’t feel like looking them up for you. Btw, scroll down for a fellow Canadian’s celebration of the NBA’s best point guard and most-valuable rock star, the SunsSteve Nash.

8:30 a.m.
AIDS Walk New York: It’s a 10-kilometer walk around the perimeter of Central Park’s outer path, and it’s for a good cause. So wake up and walk, awready!

10:00 a.m.
Israel’s 57th Independence Day Festival: As a company composed mostly of Jews, we are pleased to tell you about … The Jewish Federation sets up an amusement park, youth activities, arts & crafts, an Israel pavilion, an artists’ pavilion, a children’s pavilion & main stage. Admission is $5; kids under 6 get in free. Runs until 7 p.m. @ Woodley Park (btwn Burbank Blvd & Victory Blvd, adjacent to the 405, www.JewishLA.org)

12:00 p.m.
http://disasterthemovie.com/ecard/: Motley Crue’s got a cameo in this comical disaster movie. Which, as far as I’m concerned, is the best kind of disaster movie. That or the kind of disaster movie where I get laid at the end. Dude, that’s a kick-ass disaster movie.

1:00 p.m.
Game 3, Dodgers vs. Braves, on FSN2

3:00 p.m.
Kicking and Screaming: Take the family to see Will Ferrell’s new movie, plenty of laughs for everyone. Did you freaks put 2 + 2 together? Yes, that’s right, that’s why he’s hosting SNL. Must we spell everything out for you?

7:00 p.m.
The L Word (Showtime): Season finale. No, God, noooooooooooooooooooooo!

7:30 p.m.
ICD Soundsystem (James Murphy) w/M.I.A.: If “Daft Punk Is Playing at My House” is playing at your house (and it is at ours—nonstop), this is the show for you. This track is a FUCKING SMASH, industry people—hello?! @ the El Rey (5515 Wilshire Blvd).

TRUE NORTHEY
Steve Nash:
Victoria, BC, baby! What’s all the controversy about? We don’t cry when Americans win hockey trophies. Chelios won the Norris. Tampa Bay won the last Stanley Cup. We even don’t mind Brett Hull playing for the U.S.—and he’s from North Van. A Canadian invented basketball...lest we forget. When our local youth basketball program was in financial jeopardy after the Grizzlies pulled out and took their funding, Steve Nash stepped in and paid the whole bill. When the national team has no money to pay their players p.d.’s, Steve Nash pays the players out of his pocket. To top it all off, he went back to his fans in Phoenix (where my pal Jesse lives). The guy rocks hard. Can’t get enough of that Steve Nash. Craig Northey, Vancouver

HOLLY’S CORNER
Rock & Roll Circus
(the Rolling Stones DVD: It was a moment, an out-of-control, excessive, only rock & roll kind of occurrence. The Rolling Stones wanted to stage a happening, raise a circus, steep it in the jagged primal lust of music, decorate it with carny decadence and invite their friends. It was on many accounts a demi-disaster, and yet it's as true an artifact of the groovy London music scene of the late '60s—that roiling boil of creativity and musical expansion—as we’re likely to get. Now available for home consumption, with never-before-seen footage of John Lennon, Eric Clapton, Taj Mahal and Keith Richards, in addition to the captured performances of Jethro Tull, Yoko Ono, Marianne Faithfull, The Who and meltdown versions of the Stones' "Sympathy for the Devil," "Jumpin' Jack Flash" and "No Expectations."

JE-C’S NEW MOVIE RUNDOWN
Kicking and Screaming
Starring: Will Ferrell
, Robert Duvall, Kate Walsh, Mike Ditka, Musetta Vander and Dylan McLaughlin
Synopsis:
Phil Weston has spent his whole life dealing with his overbearing, competitive father, Buck. Now Phil is coaching his 10-year-old son's soccer team, and their opponent in the finals is a team led by none other than Buck, who's also coaching his young son on the team.
Thoughts: I am a huge Will Ferrell fan, and I think this movie could be really funny. However, it could be one of those movies that absolutely blows, but I would like to think it’s gonna be good.

Monster-In-Law
Starring: Jennifer Lopez
, Jane Fonda, Michael Vartan, Wanda Sykes, Monet Mazur and Will Arnett
Synopsis:
Charlie thinks she's found the man of her dreams in Kevin, and when he proposes to her, she quickly accepts. The problem is Kevin's mom; a recently fired news anchor who's determined to stop her son from making what she feels is a huge mistake. Before long, the two women are engaged in an epic battle for Kevin's loyalty.
Thoughts: Ok, here is the deal, J.Lo is hot, but I can’t see myself wanting to see this movie. However, I will be in Tucson this weekend with my sister and girlfriend, which means I will be going to see it. Why, you ask? Because that’s what you do when you have a girlfriend—you make compromises.

MindHunters
Starring: Val Kilmer
, LL Cool J, Christian Slater, Eion Bailey, Clifton Collins Jr. and Jonny Lee Miller
Synopsis:
Seven recruits travel to a remote island to train for an FBI program that produces "mindhunters," psychological profilers who track down killers. Before long, a murderous psycho is in their midst, and the students begin to think the killer is one of their own. Val Kilmer co-stars as the leader of the school.
Thoughts: Ok, this one is tricky. I saw a coming attraction for this movie a long time ago, and then it never came out. I assume they went back to work on it some more. That always spells trouble, but it does have a pretty decent cast and it seems like it could be a cool psychological thriller.

Unleashed
Starring: Bob Hoskins
, Morgan Freeman, Jet Li, Kerry Condon and Andy Beckwith
Synopsis:
Danny has been raised by his master, Bart, to be a champion in illegal fight clubs, leaving him mentally undeveloped and restrained by an electronic dog collar that keeps him from going nuts. After Bart is in an accident, a blind pianist, who teaches him that there’s more to life than kicking butt, adopts Danny.
Thoughts: Oh yeah!! I have been waiting for this movie. It’s gonna be awesome. First off, Jet Li kicks major butt, and second of all, it seems like a pretty interesting story that is more than just a lot of cool action. Oh, and by the way, I will be taking my girlfriend to this movie; after all, she needs to compromise as well.

ANOTHER BILLIE BANGER? (UPDATE)
Are you free Wednesday afternoon? (11/12a)
BIEBER BY CHRISTMAS?
How's that for a tease, Bieber Nation? (11/12a)
NEAR TRUTHS: MEET
THE NEW BOSSES
Not the same as the old bosses (11/12a)
CMA CENTERPIECE
CARRIE UNDERWOOD
This sure feels like her moment. (11/12a)
WHO'S GETTING ZERVAS?
It's down to two bidders. (11/12a)
THE GRAMMY NOMINATOINS
They'll soon be here, and then we can start obsessing about who'll win.
U.K. SPECIAL
Forget Brexit--it's our yearly survey of doings in Blighty. And if you still can't forget Brexit, try drinking.
ZERVAS STATION
Who's going to land the hottest unsigned property in music?
WEED!
That's what Hollywood smells like. Seriously. 24/7.
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