Every big act in the world is scheduled to appear Saturday at Live 8…everyone except for Michael Jackson, anyway. Make sure you have enough room on your TiVo to get the whole thing.


Think of This Four- or Five-Day Holiday Weekend as the Extended Halftime of 2005, Complete With Marching Bands and Fireworks
While the rest of America chills out and lathers up over the long weekend, the boys and girls of MTV Networks will be working OT for you, launching Logo, cable’s first gay channel, on Thursday, and filling Saturday with eight hours of programming from the Live 8 concerts on MTV, VH1 and mtvU. Is this a great country or what?
Thursday, June 30
Want In & Aren’t Ashamed
We hear (Page Six, baby, Page Six) that Hollywood insiders are paying upwards of $2k/month to be hip to post 2am parties @ ever-changing secret locals. We put out for information. I guess when you get right to it, we put out regardless. Awkward.

I Am My Own Wife
Tony Award winner Jefferson Mays portrays 30+ characters in piece dealing with the life of German transvestite Charlotte von Mahlsdorf. By Doug Wright. @ Geffen Playhouse’s Wadsworth Theatre (11301 Wilshire Blvd., Brentwood). Ticketmaster: (213) 365-3100

Logo Network Debuts
I want my gay TV! Viacom’s long-awaited gay cable channel, the first widely available channel of its kind, rolls out their network in about 10 million homes. Brian Graden is overseeing it and sees it as eventually becoming a “lifestyle” brand. Summer/fall lineup has some orig. programming, documentaries & gay-themed flicks like The Birdcage.

Living in Question @ The Roxy Hawaiian band rockin’ the Strip. If you haven’t seen them yet, you’re missin’ out on a killer band. Picture Rage Against the Machine meets Sublime.

Friday, July 1
Deadline for The Other Network TV Script Submissions
In addition to receiving notes from top TV showrunners, several ‘04 wining scripts were optioned by Un-Cabaret, submitted to managers and lit agents at major talent agencies and are currently under consideration at several networks. The Other Network TV Writing Contest accepts any TV genres—specs of existing series or originals, comedy or drama. Just mail them by July 1!: http://m1e.net/c?3277870-OOslPsU42UUg6%401066262-0HdPKT24dAwTo

Get a Hair Smoothie @ Tina Cassaday Hair Studio Tina assesses your hair situation and blends up a concoction just for you. Possible ingredients include: mango, champagne, vodka (we like this girl), papaya, kiwi, berries, green tea, quail eggs, black tar heroin (just seein’ if you’re payin’ attention). You’ll chill for 45 mins with the luscious mixture in your hair. Ph: (310) 276-6194. (@ 9725 Santa Monica Blvd., btwn. Roxbury/Linden Dr)

Vans Warped Tour ‘05 Kick it w/the cool kidz. Bands playing include: MxPx, Transplants, The Offspring, All-American Rejects & many more. For details: www.warpedtour.com @ Cal State Long Beach.

Haven’t seen War of the Worlds? If the answer is yes, the only reason we can think of is that you are mad at Tom Cruise and boycotting the movie. To that we say, what are you thinking? [Ed. Note:We would NEVER boycott films starring Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Danny Masterson, Jenna Elfman, etc. Not w/our proximity to a certain center’s hub. Not on your outer-space ass.]

Dodgers vs. Arizona Diamondbacks
Yes, the Dodgers have been struggling, and are decimated with injuries. But, they’re still not completely out of the playoff picture and if they are to get back into it, winning this series starting tonight would be a step in the right direction.

Stuff Happens
David Hare’s ripped-from-the-headlines politically charged docudrama that chronicles the war in Iraq is played out by a cast of 22 (Including Keith Carradine). @ The Mark Taper Forum (135 N. Grand Ave.) For Info: www.marktaperforum.org

Joan Osborne @ The Roxy
Show also features Cindy Alexander. Doors 8pm. All-ages.

As I Lay Dying performs
@ the Cornerstone Festival in Marietta, IL. For more info on the festival: www.cornerstonefestival.com

Saturday, July 2
Happy Birthday
to our own Lenny Beer!!! Gosh…he is getting old. [Ed. note: His son wrote that. Jill, who’s definitely not his son, wouldn’t have the balls to write that. Lookin’ good, Lenny…lookin’ good! Xo.].

, VH1 and mtvU telecast eight hours of the Live 8 concerts. The coverage represents the cable network’s biggest time commitment since Woodstock ’99—and if you’re old enough, you probably watched Live Aid concerts on MTV back in 1985. Every big act in the world is scheduled to appear…everyone except for Michael Jackson, anyway. Make sure you have enough room on your TiVo to get the whole thing.

Game 2 between the D’backs and Dodgers
An afternoon game, perfect for the whole family. Unless you hate your family. Then go solo. They got beer there, ya know.

Hollywood Bowl July Fourth Fireworks Spectacular
This year they will be celebrating the 50th anniversary of Disneyland with the L.A. Philharmonic performing music from the films and rides associated with the Anaheim theme park. This concert series will run on the 7/3 and 7/4 as well.

That’s alotta ass. If you’re not familiar with N.Y.’s Upright Citizens Brigade (improv/sketch group that used to have a show on Comedy Central & many other credits, incl. Amy Pohler, who’s now on SNL), you should be very excited that they’re opening an L.A.-based theatre today. The original group of four has branched out to many & in addition to really great sketch and improv shows, they offer classes, too. Asssscat is one of their long form (known as The Harold) improv show that features a celebrity guest monologuist (tonight, Andy Dick). UCB shows are never more than $5 and sometimes free (Sun nites 7:30pm is free). Do yourself a favor & check out some shows there. For info: www.ucbtheatre.com (@ the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre (in the space formerly housing the Tamarind Theatre 5919 Franklin Ave.) also at 10pm tonite.

Billy Idol @ the Wiltern LG Rebel still rocks… For Info: (213) 380-5005.
Laurel & Hardy Shorts @ The Silent Movie Theatre - Incl. “Two Tars” & “Big Business.” Also, the Model T Club of CA will park their cars along Fairfax Blvd to invoke the 1920s. (@ 611 N. Fairfax Ave.) For Info: (323) 655-2520

DJ Quick @ House of Blues
doors @ 8pm. 18+ show.

Judah Friedlander @ the Hollywood Improv
You might recognize him as the “Hug Guy” from the Dave Matthews video or from his roles in Meet The Parents, Zoolander etc. or his ever prominent Trucker hat. He’s also doing an 8:30pm show tonite. (@ 8162 Melrose Ave.) For Info: (323) 651-2583

Sunday, July 3
Happy 21st Birthday
to Je-c’s sister, Sofee Gee, I wonder what she will be doing on this day. [Ed. Note: The Beer family b’days are totally stacked. Oh shit, that was NOT a reference to Lenny’s daughter’s physical stature in any way. Jesus, what am I, trying to get fired? Additional note to Lenny: No way do you have a 21-year-old daughte?! Impossible! True love always, Jill.]

Concluding game of series between Arizona and the Dodgers. Hopefully, the D’men will have won the first two games.

Tonight’s FREE 7:30pm show features monologist Kyle Gass of Tenacious D.

My Summer of Love
Provocative flick, anyone? This is an intriguing indie movie with lots of festival buzz. Translation = we’re supposed to dig it, be impressed & refer to it as a “little gem.” If you’re in the mood for somewhat innocent girl-on-girl action (keep it in your pants—they don’t show that much), accents and countryside views…here’s a good 90 minutes for you.

Café Tacuba w/Kinky @ Universal City Walk’s Gibson Amphitheatre
Doors at 7:30pm

Grab a drink at this hip NY bar…it’s Irish Pub meets Lower East Side cool. And you can eat. You can eat there. We’re not giving you permission to eat, in general. We reserve said advice for a certain li’l Love Bug of an actress. @ 137 Ludlow St., btwn Rivington/Stanton.

Monday, July 4

AmericaFest ’05 @ the Rose Bowl T he Rose Bowl's July Fourth celebration has been a SoCal mainstay for almost 80 years. The concert starts at 7, the fireworks are scheduled for sometime between 8:30-9pm.

An Evening With Lyle Lovett & His Large Band
(Fax all Lyle Lovett large penis jokes to our old office in the 818, where we’ll be sure to get them & laugh whole-heartedly at how clever you are) Doors 7pm. Tickets - $50. For Info: (714) 778-BLUE. @ House of Blues Anaheim ( 1530 S. Disneyland Dr., Anaheim).

Macy’s Fourth of July Spectacular
featuring a performance by R&B Diva Mariah Carey in New York City. Ever-impressive, they will be simultaneously firing off from 3 different locations: Off 34th St./East River, just below the South Street Seaport and off of Liberty Street Park in Jersey City. For Info/viewing tips call the Macy’s Fireworks Hotline: (212) 494-4495

Want to annoy your friends, just for the sport of it, while also saving $15? Casually drop in the endings to these movies in normal conversation. Example: Doing radio promotion is just like being in the movie Open Water, except they get to die.

War of the Worlds: The day after the aliens attack, they and their machine can't exist in the earth's molecular structure, making it possible for the humans to overtake the aliens. Tom Cruise and his family miraculously survive, and he and his daughter just happen to run into his ex-wife and his son walking down the street.

Batman Begins: Liam Neeson turns out to be the bad guy.

Bewitched: Nicole Kidman and Will Ferrell end up together as a couple. Shocker!

Mr. and Mrs. Smith: Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt stay together, just like in real life!

I don't know the ending to Land of the Dead, but I suspect the hot girl lives.

Happy holiday!

War of the Worlds
Starring: Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning, Miranda Otto, Justin Chatwin
and Tim Robbins
Synopsis: H.G. Wells'
tale of a martian attack on earth was first published in 1898 and then made famous by Orson Welles and his Mercury Theatre troupe, who performed a version of it live on the radio in 1938. Tom Cruise stars in this Steven Spielbergdirected adaptation of the story, which follows a deadbeat dad whose attempts at reconciling with his wife and children are interrupted by an alien invasion.
Thoughts: Oh yeah, I am all over this one. By the time you guys read this, I will have already seen it. We all remember how good Independence Day was; I think this one is going to blow that movie away. It really sucks that Tom Cruise is the star—for a minute I hesitated seeing this movie because he is just a despicable human being. [Ed. note: Jesse said that. There is no way in hell that Jill said that. Jill says, “Jesse, what are you smoking, crack?! Tom Cruise Forever!” Thank you.]

Starring: Martin Lawrence, Patrick Warburton, Megan Mullally, Breckin Meyer and Kimora Lee Simmons
Synopsis: After a public tantrum in which he kills the school's mascot, college basketball coach Roy McCormick finds himself banned from the court. The only coaching gig he can find is leading a crew of athletically challenged junior-high nerds.
Thoughts: Martin, Martin, Martin. He hasn’t made a good movie in so long, he should just stick to the Bad Boys movies, because this one looks like a big stinker.

A second sonic Boom (4/17a)
Bunny's hoppin' again. (4/17a)
Hats off to Larry (4/17a)
Photographic proof of the weaselfest (4/15a)
Truth is beauty (4/17a)
Gosh, we hope there are more press releases.
Unless the Senate manages to make this whole thing go away, that is.
No, not that one.
Now 100% unlicensed!

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