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Those deep in the underground scene know about Zion I, but for those who don’t, it is hip-hop in its purest form. Their last album, Deep Water Slang, which came out in early ’03, was amazing and one of the few hip-hop CDs that's good all the way through.

THIS WEAKEND PLANNER IS A PARTICULARLY TAXING READ

Q: What Are the Happiest Words You Can Hear?
A: "You're Getting a Refund."
If ever a day deserved its own soundtrack, it's the detested April 15. Here's a playlist to put in your iPod so that you have something to listen to while you're standing in line at the post office. Oh, and one other thing: Don't walk down the middle of Ventura Blvd. until Sunday morning.

1.   The Beatles, "Taxman"
2.   The O'Jays, "Money"
3.   Coldplay, "Don't Panic"
4.   New Radicals, "You Get What You Give"
5.   Barrett Strong, "Money (That's What I Want)"
6.   Ben Lee, "The Debt Collectors"
7.   Spoon, "My Mathematical Mind"
8.   The Bravery, "An Honest Mistake"
9.   The Tubes, "No Mercy"
10. The Soundtrack of Our Lives, "Heading for a
      Breakdown"
11. Louis XIV, "Illegal Tender"
12. Cheap Trick, "Taxman, Mr. Thief"
13. Rufus, "Tell Me something Good"
14. Portishead, "Numb"
15. Crazy Horse, "I Don't Want to Talk About It"
16. Zero 7, "In the Waiting line"
17. Spoon, "Everything Hits at Once"
18. XTC, "Earn Enough for Us"
19. The Byrds, "Everybody's Been Burned"
20. The Killers, "Everything Will Be Alright"

CALENDAR
Friday 4/15
5:00 p.m.
Too lazy to do your own laundry? Too gross to do your own laundry? There’s a new service to help your lazy/gross ass, but just you lazy/gross New Yorkers. Which, frankly, is as it should be. Laundry Spa will pick up/deliver and not only sort them for you but return them shrink-wrapped in a canvas tote. Info: www.laundryspa.com

6:45 p.m. sharp! (We really mean it.)
Must-see Show!!! Happy-hour industry showcase with one of NYC’s HOTTEST, most TALENTED bands, Moto Star. Fronted by the sultry, sexy and vivacious Victoria Gross, this is sure to be an amazing show! Moto Star is ready to explode with their hooky songs, raw energy and pro sound. You will be an instant fan! (Canal Room, 285 W. Broadway near Canal St. 212-941-810)

7:00 p.m.
Velvet Revolver & Hoobastank @ the Santa Barbara Bowl (& in Anaheim Sat nite). Info: (805) 962-7411.

8:00 p.m.
Privilege: Paul Weitz’s new play about growing up rich. Thankfully, we’ve found the Kaballah, so we don’t judge those who grew up rich. @ Second Stage Theatre (307 W. 43rd St. btwn 8/9th Aves., NYC). Runs thru Sunday. Info: (212) 246-4422.

8:00 p.m.
Amos Lee, appearing w/Bob Dylan and Merle Haggard @ The Orpheum Theatre in Boston. Info: contact the venue & double check the time w/them. (Thru Sunday).

8:00 p.m.
Family Guy Live at The Wiltern! To celebrate its return to TV, the cast of the show will be appearing to do a Q&A, show off some new episodes and perform stuff from their upcoming Family Guy in Las Vegas comedy album. Appearing: creator Seth Mcfarlane (who also voices Peter the father, Brian the dog and Stewie the baby), Mila Kunis, Seth Green, Mike Henry and Alex Borstein. As Peter himself might say, “Freakin sweet.”

8:30 p.m.
Lous CK @ The Hollywood Improv (8162 Melrose Ave.) Info: (323) 651-2583

Saturday 4/16
10:00 a.m.-5:00 p.m.
John Malkovich’s Uncle Kimono Trunk Show: Malkovich has a clothing line? Somebody better check out his fall ’05 collection. Oh, and it’s at 20% off. @ the Performing Garage (33 Wooster St. btwn. Broome/Grand, NY) Info: (212) 966-3651

10:00 a.m.- 5:00 p.m.
Gotham Motorcycle Classic: For those who are in love with motorcycles, this is your playground. The two-day festival shows off three major categories of bikes, military, classic and a wildcard category that features anything that has been modified in any way. (Intrepid Sea/ Air/Space Museum, Pier 86, 12th Ave. and 46th St.)

12:00 p.m.
Design your own Tee-Shirt: And do it for free. @ The Filativa Pop Up Store (a temporary high concept shop). @ 199 Lafayette St. btwn Cleveland Pl./Kenmare St. Info: (212) 226-8800

3:00 p.m.
Cute Teddy Bears That Hide Your Vibrator: Hellz, yeah. These bears rock, and you can’t find the hidden pouch unless you know where to look. And you ho’s know that everyone knows that you hide yours in your drawer bedside or under the bed. So you need these bears. Proceeds go to breast cancer research & battered women’s shelters. Go to www.tylerhope.com & look under products (look at the bears that aren’t avail yet, because they actually are). Hit me up @ [email protected] if you’re interested & I can get you a better deal. ’Cause, you know, I’m all wired into the underground vibrator scene.

4:00 p.m.
Is Your Favorite Tee-Shirt Beyond Saving? How ’bout having it made into an iPod case, a wristband, pillowcase or maybe even a little clutch? Hit up Cronick Valentine, a new East Village shop, & get it done. @ 324 9th St. btwn 1/2nd Aves, NYC. www.cronickvalentine.com

7:10 p.m.
Dodgers vs. Padres. The second game of a three-game series. Although it’s only the second week of the season, this series may set the tone for the whole enchilada, as these two teams will be probably be battling for the pennant in September.

7:30 p.m.
Clippers vs. Hornets. Last chance to catch the Clips at home. Have we mentioned Shaun Livingston? Whoa!!!

7:30 p.m.
Low Millions appearing w/Collective Soul @ the Webster Theatre/Underground in Hartford, CT. Info: contact the venue for time.

8:00 p.m.
Assume your plans with Joaquin Phoenix are canceled.

11:30 p.m.
Saturday Night Live: Hosts: Tom Brady (New England Patriots) and musical guest Beck. Kick-ass. Well, the Beck part. I don’t know about football, but I’m sure he’s lovely too (NBC).

Sunday 4/17
10:00 a.m.-6:00 p.m.
Sherman Oaks Spring Festival: Celebrate sunnier weather (well we hope it stays sunny) with a bunch of your neighbors at this annual street fair on Ventura Blvd. Included: over 200 booths featuring jewelry, clothing, candles, furniture etc. Also, represented is a vast array of different kinds of food ranging from kabobs and curry to your typical hot dogs and hamburgers. There is even stuff for little kids including a petting zoo, pony rides, a climbing wall and kid-friendly performances. (Enter at Ventura and Van Nuys Blvds.)

10:00 am-6:00 p.m.
All-Day Free Music Event! In our pants … nah, you know we had to go there. It’s the Benefit for South Central Farmers. In our pants … sorry. Featuring Mezklah, etc. @ the Alameda Community Garden (41st & Alameda … and in our pants. Oops). Info: www.saveourgarden.com or call (323) 658-9146

1:00 p.m.
Sprinkle Cupcakes: Shopping in Beverly Hills and hating all the bulimics in your path? Or, are you a bulimic? Sorry. Either way, try this new luscious cupcake shop in the hood. They’ve even got minis. Info: www.sprinklescupcakes.com (9635 Little Santa Monica Blvd. btwn. N. Bedford/N. Camden)

7:00 p.m.
Comedy w/Bill Maher, Joe Rogan, Christopher Titus & Alonzon Bodden: All perform at a benefit for In-Sight Youth Project, helping to benefit homeless teens. @ Alex Theatre (216 N. Brand Blvd, Glendale) Info: (818) 243-2539

JE-C’S NEW MOVIE RUNDOWN
The Amityville Horror
Starring: Ryan Reynolds
, Jimmy Bennett, Philip Baker Hall, Jesse James, Chloe Moretz and Rachel Nichols
Synopsis: A young couple and their children move into a house that was once the site of a horrific series of murders. Over the next 28 days, they find that the house might be haunted by a murderous presence.
Thoughts: I’ve never seen the original, but this one looks like it could be really good and scary. It’s from the producers who did the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which was one of the scariest movies I have ever seen. Nothing else of interest is coming out this weekend, so this could be a big box-office draw. I’m curious to see Ryan Reynolds (star of Van Wylder) in a more serious roll, because he’s known more as comic actor.

JE-C’S CD REVIEW
Zion I, True & Livin:
Hitting stores next Tuesday, this album, from what I have heard so far, is an instant hip-hop classic. Zion I is MC Zion and mastermind producer Amp Live. Those deep in the underground scene know about Zion I, but for those who don’t, it is hip-hop in its purest form. Their last album, Deep Water Slang, which came out in early ’03, was amazing and one of the few hip-hop CDs that's good all the way through. I have only heard a four-song sampler of the new stuff, but it didn’t disappoint. The single, “Birds Eye View,” is a dedication to the love of hip-hop. MC Zion may be one of the coolest lyricists around. He is the Black Thought (The Roots) of the underground scene. I was very big into the underground scene until about 2001. After that, everything that came out seemed to be the same, and the music lost its feeling it once had. However, the one group to keep the feeling alive has been Zion I. I recommend this CD to everyone who likes real hip-hop; it is a mind-altering experience and to those who don’t like hip-hop, it’s still worth checkin’ out because it is just one of those CDs that leaves you with a good feeling.

HITS LIST: AMPERSANDS
Dynamic duos (12/3a)
TAYLOR'S TREMENDOUS YEAR
She'd make one helluva CEO. (12/3a)
THEY CALL THE WINDFALL MARIAH (HOLIDAY EDITION)
Ch-chingle bells (12/3a)
SONG REVENUE:
BOWS OF HOLLY
Adele is money. (12/3a)
UTA MUSIC EXPANDS IN NASHVILLE
Reshuffling the deck (12/3a)
CHESTNUTS
Roasting.
STOCKINGS
Stuffing.
PIPERS
Piping.
SANTA
Coming.
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