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HITS CAR ATTACK A
TERRORIST PLOT?
Investigators Sift Through Evidence; Pollack Keeps Showing Up
One day after an unidentified motorist used an automobile as a weapon against the HITS cesspool in one of the most wanton acts of aggression against a stucco building in modern history, investigators quickened their pace as theories that the attack may have been the work of a Sherman Oaks terrorist cell began to take shape.

“We’re currently looking into the possibility that the assailant may have been an operative of a local terrorist cell, possibly a member of the Sherman Oaks Chamber of Commerce,” said Van Nuys Sheriff’s Deputy Lester Clarence. “The lone-nutjob theory is still in play, but we’re considering all possibilities.” It does not appear that the attacker was carrying a car bomb, Clarence said, because he or she was able to drive the vehicle away from the scene and there was no explosion.

“Did somebody say ‘car bong’? I’ll take that ride,” said HITS editorial grueler Roy Trakin, who was immediately corrected by Prince of Punctiliousness Bud Scoppa.

One leading theory at this point in the investigation holds that the car attack was planned by Islamic extremists and was actually meant for the Chabad house next door, but the driver got the address wrong.

Meanwhile, the HITS office of Homescam Security issued a heightened terror warning, to “Faded, Grimy Pink Alert,” which means essentially that the faded, grimy pink building is unfit for occupation due to its high target value.

As a result of the heightened alert status, and because the boarded up front door makes it impossible for anyone to get in or out, HITS employees were instructed to keep at a safe distance, taking refuge at local golf courses or hanging at the local mini mall.

Hits Daily Double Editor in Chief Marc Pollack, however, continued to show up for work despite the fact that the building is boarded up and deserted, having been “out of the loop” for a time while covering the daily activities of The Firm. “Eh, I think I’ll go to Inglewood and play poker,” he said, lighting his 375th Marlboro of the day.

Repairs to the HITS building have been put on hold pending conclusion of the investigation, meaning the building will remain empty for several weeks or months, if not years. “It sounds bad, but even in the worst of times we can find a bright side if we try,” said Facilities Manager Scott Killam. “This is the perfect chance for me to replenish our stock of urinal mints.”

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TUESDAY
THE SHOW MUST BE PAUSED
TIME TO REFLECT
TIME TO ACT
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