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"We still have some issues with the actual door itself. It doesn’t close very well, and once we manage to get it closed, it’s very difficult to open."
——Facilities Mgr. Scott Killam
HITS UNDER ATTACK: AN EPILOGUE
Entry Successfully Reconstructed; Investigators Juan & Orlando Report
After weeks of eerie silence in Sherman Oaks following a mysterious car attack on its front door, a repaired HITS cesspool was quietly reopened and hard-hat wearing employees allowed back in to resume their daily grueling on the gleamingly mediocre hitsdailydouble.com website and its print companion in suck, HITS magazine.

Several people were seen entering the building and milling around strange puffs of blue smoke on its balconies—an indication that business as usual had resumed. Still, those observing the situation closely could not escape the feeling that somehow things would never be quite the same.

“The entry has been fully reconstructed, but we still have some issues with the actual door itself,” Facilities Manager Scott Killam said. “It doesn’t close very well, and once we manage to get it closed, it’s very difficult to open.” Killam further explained that employees were being required to wear hardhats because it was unknown whether the force of the collision weakened the building enough to cause it to implode any minute.

“We were going to have some engineers do an inspection, but it wasn’t in the budget,” Killam said. “We’re counting paper clips over here, OK? What do you want from me?”

Meanwhile, two weeks and three days after an unidentified motorist turned his or her car into a hurtling weapon of less-than-mass destruction, investigators had yet to identify the culprit and bring him or her to the swift, certain justice of the United States of America. (Ed. note: Wrath-of-God rhetoric courtesy of John Ashcroft.)

Former HITS parking valets-turned-high-priced-investigators Juan & Orlando, who took over investigation of the incident from municipal authorities, issued a preliminary report of their findings following their in-depth look into the situation.

While the report named no suspects, it listed a single, critical piece of evidence: A well-worn copy of the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee sex tape found in the HITS basement. “Naturally, we’ll be looking at this tape closely for clues,” Juan said in a statement. “We’ll spend as much time with this tape as it takes to get to the bottom of this.”

“You know, there are a lot of strange things going on in your basement,” Orlando added. “We believe there's a small village of Pygmies living in the elevator sump. I don’t know that I would park cars down there... if I were still parking cars, that is.”

An unexpected break in the case came two weeks and four days after the incident, when renowned "Airhead" auteur Van Arno, his chest strapped with dynamite, walked into the temporary HITS editorial hut (erected of bamboo in a nearby vacant lot) and confessed to the crime.

“Yes, I did it,” Arno said defiantly. “But let’s see you draw retarded cartoons making fun of German people every week without ramming your car into something! Yavul. I did it! I did it! I did it!”

After careful coaxing by several terrified HITS editorial monkeys, Arno agreed not to blow himself, the monkeys and the bamboo hut sky high.

“Just don’t ever—EVER—make me draw Roger Ames as Bugs Bunny again,” he warned. “I mean it!!!”

HITS management declined to press charges, because who would draw Airhead then?

Case closed.

____________________________________________

Full Coverage:

Motorist Delivers Smash to HITS

HITS Car Attack a Terrorist Plot?

HITS Under Attack: The Aftermath

HITS Management Takes Crash Investigation Private

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