In a nutshell: “The resurrection of Imhotep at the…Oedipal complex…is a double portion of al dente eclecticism…tangled up with a lot of women…on the cutting edge of action-sports footwear…and defiant, anti-capitalist sentiments.”
Warm Up Your Big-Screen Trinitrons,
Cuz the Playoffs Are Getting Serious
With the pickin’s extremely slim at the movie houses, you might want to consider spending some time outdoors this weekend—or better yet, just open the windows and turn on the NBA Playoffs. The first round should end in typically nail-biting fashion for Knicks fans (Friday at 5 PDT on TNT), as their head-case team struggles to escape Vince Carter and the Toronto Raptors. The second round cranks up Saturday at 3:30 PDT, as the exciting Dallas Mavericks—who just staged a dramatic fifth-game comeback to shock the Utah Jazz in Salt Lake—advance to meet the scary San Antonio Spurs. Then, of course, there’s that Sunday tripleheader. All four weekend games are on NBC. We hear there are also some people playing hockey, but we can’t verify that.

BS7777: Halftime, 48-33. Prediction: Mark Cuban will complain about the officiating again. Reaction: This time he'll be right. In your experience, is there any chance a team like this can pull it together in the second half of a game so totally controlled by the opponent?
DARIUSM: of course teams can come back, it's the n fucking ba see last night's phnx sac game
BS7777: Come again?
DARIUSM: it’s the N fucking BA
BS7777: It's so much more dramatic with those three capital letters.
[An hour later…]
dallas won
DARIUSM: teams sometimes come back in the NBA
BS7777: All I can say is wow.
DARIUSM: really, it's about time someone beat those floppers in utah
BS7777: I am so surprised and delighted. How absolutely unexpected.
DARIUSM: dallas is good
DARIUSM: and russell never misses that shot
BS7777: I nkow--brutal. This game pretty much solidifies the franchise.
DARIUSM: yup, they are probably one year away from being a legitimate contender
BS7777: They can't beat the Spurs...but then, they couldn't beat the Jazz, either.
DARIUSM: that is correct
BS7777: Add a 7-8 Chinese guy, and look out. Hey, if you added Shaq to Dirk, Finley, the Canuck and Juwan, you'd have a dangerous team.
DARIUSM: if u added shaq to u, me, trakin and simon... u'd have a dangerous team
BS7777: Point well taken...but I'm worried about Simon's ballhandling skills...Well, mebbe not.
DARIUSM: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkk
DARIUSM: this conversation is over
BS7777: Like they say, LOL.

The Mummy Returns:
The summer movie-going season basically gets underway this weekend with the release of this sequel to the blockbuster hit with Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz and WWF star The Rock. Written and directed by Stephen Sommers, who did the first film, which earned $414 million, the sequel is reportedly even more dazzling than the original, promising some cool special effects and plenty of creepy, crawling scarabs and stuff. The resurrection of Imhotep at the British Museum sends Fraser’s Rick and Weisz’s Evelyn back to Egypt, where they find themselves in the court of the Scorpion King. If the movie’s even half as interesting as the website at www.themummy.com, it’s probably worth peeling the bucks to see it on a big screen.

Ed Gein: Steve Railsback, who played Charles Manson in the 1976 made-for-TV movie Helter Skelter, portrays the man who inspired Psycho, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Silence of the Lambs. The legendary Wisconsin serial killer carried out the bidding of his late mother by terrorizing the small town of Plainfield in the 1950s, killing middle-aged women and turning their mutilated bodies into clothing and furniture. Carrie Snodgrass plays the ultimate Oedipal-complex nightmare to the cult figure who already has 182 individual websites dedicated to him, one of which is www.edgein.com. The film was directed by Chuck Parello (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer) as part of a planned trilogy that also includes serial killers Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer. Don’t expect slasher-style gore, though. This is apparently an art-house film, which means it could end up boring you to death rather than titillating you. But if the film's website at www.edgeinthemovie.com is any indication, it's one creepy movie. —Roy Trakin

“A bachelor gets tangled up with a lot of women in order to avoid getting tied up to one.” —Helen Rowland

The Wonder Boys: Not quite as good as its admirers claim, this amiable, shaggy-professor story, based on Michael Chabon’s book, failed to score with mainstream audiences, despite being re-released by the studio. But the decidedly offbeat film does have its charms. Michael Douglas, who plays an aging one-time wunderkind novelist moonlighting as a college English prof suffering from a terminal case of writer’s block, gives his most determinedly self-deprecating performance since the underrated ’93 flick Falling Down. Wearing his wife’s pink bathrobe as he putters away on an electric typewriter, his hair flying away and jowls sagging, Douglas plays against Hollywood movie-star type. At times, in fact, he looks like a haggard Bob Dylan, whose Oscar-winning credits song "Things Have Changed" was the film’s chief claim to year-end honors. Extra points for Douglas making the character’s constant pot-smoking look as natural as Jeff Bridges did as the Dude in The Big Lebowski. Toby McGuire’s promising prodigy provides the right mix of callow, naivete and genius, while Robert Downey Jr. as Douglas’ gay literary agent shows the actor’s remarkable range—and we don’t mean his ability to score drugs from Culver City to Palm Springs. In relatively small roles, Frances McDormand and Katie Holmes nevertheless add nuance as the protagonist’s wife/mother and daughter substitutes, respectively. The ending, wherein the entire movie turns out to be the character’s finished novel—signified when he presses "save" on his computer—is one of the more satisfying literary/cinematic devices in memory. —Roy Trakin

Various artists, The Sopranos: Peppers & Eggs (Columbia/Sony Music Soundtrax): David Chase’s groundbreaking HBO series is a study in contrasts, and its interplay of moods and tonalities encompasses the provocative music that drives the narrative. The second batch of songs from the show is a double portion of al dente eclecticism—24 tracks spread over two CDs, ranging from Vivaldi to Pigeonhed. Playful juxtapositions include the insanely clever intermingling of “Every Breath You Take” by the Police with Henry Mancini’s “Theme From Peter Gunn” (which opens the album, as it so memorably opened the series’ third season), and the segue of Cake’s Frank Sinatra” into Old Blue Eyes’ own “Baubles, Bangles and Beads.” Aside from the Pretenders “Space Invader,” Van Morrison’s “Gloria” and Elvis Costello’s “High Fidelity,” Chase and his team shun the familiar. The Rolling Stones and Kinks are represented, but the tracks chosen are from what are generally deemed fallow periods for the two great bands; nonetheless, the Stones’ Keef-sung “Thru and Thru” (from 1995) and the Kinks’ “Living on a Thin Line” (’84) are among the set’s peak pleasures. Bob Dylan contributes as well, but his unlikely pick is “Return to Me,” a vintage Italian pop song most closely associated with Dean Martin, and he performs it in a manner that might be described as post-ironic. The real finds, though, are “The Captain” a dusky ballad by Aussie newcomer Kasey Chambers, and the minor-key breakup melodrama “Black Books” by the vastly undervalued pop-rock auteur Nils Lofgren. The requisite touch of indigenous Noo Joizey fauna is provided by cast member Steve Van Zandt, who swaps his pompadour rug for a Little Steven head scarf on the greazy “Affection,” performed under the moniker the Lost Boys. I can’t think of a better compilation to grab for a drive down the Garden State Parkway—but make sure you roll down the windows and let the wind blow back your hair, as Bruce once urged. —Bud Scoppa

The Dickies, All This and Puppet Stew (Fat Wreck Chords):
As a teenaged punk-wannabe back in the late ’70s, I used to drive my mom’s Buick Skylark down to the Starwood and other Hollywood nightspots (some of which still actually exist) to be part of what was then a thriving local scene. And when it came to pure punk-pop bliss, it was hard to beat The Dickies—their huge guitar sounds, manic tempos, brilliant chorus hooks and smart, bratty lyrics hit the spot like nothing else. Well, it does my old heart good to report that the band is back with a new release, which streets May 22. Singer/keyboardist Leonard Graves Phillips and guitarist Stan Lee still kick up a satisfying racket on slamming cuts like opener “See My Way,” “Free Willy,” “Nobody but Me,” “Donut Man” and the typically un-PC “Whack The Dalai Lama.” The band’s May 18 record-release party at the Troubadour should be a jolly reunion of aging malcontents and kids curious to learn where Green Day and blink learned all their moves—plus the first 100 attendees will get a free 7”! Simon Glickman

Quake 3 Revolution:
Ohhhboiii, so fresh, so clean… This week we take our PS2 adventure to tha next level of one-on-one smackdown. I wanna give props to my people @ Sony in tha Bay Area luvvv for blessin’ me with such an incredible game. Nailing that once-in-a-lifetime, pinpoint-accurate, perfectly timed frag in Quake...priceless. There'z nothing quite like tha rush of a Quake war, and if it'z a rush you're looking for, be prepared for a mainline adrenaline overload with Quake 3 Revolution. Everything from tha killer PC addiction of Quake iz now on the PlayStation 2 computer entertainment system—tha graphics are super-sweet, tha sound iz thundering and tha frag count iz cranked up. Electronic Arts haz committed to giving Quake fanz all they can handle with tha PlayStation version, and all of tha official MODs, character skins, and extra levels are intact—this iz Quake 3 Team Arena, and them some. And what would Quake be without other players to level off on? Quake 3 Revolution's four-player battle mode iz everything you'd expect from this kind of furious combat against a few friends. With nice and toasty looks and sheer mad chaos in tha gameplay, Quake iz in itz element on PlayStation 2. Latin Prince

Virtual Lie Detector:
How frustrating is it when you send an email and for one reason or another they tell you that they didn’t receive it? By using www.itraceyou.com, you now have the ability to trace your e-mails similar to the way the Post Office offers Registered Mail. Using existing email technology, this system is very simple and easy to use. No more excuses or apologies like, "I haven't received your e-mail yet!" Now you will know exactly when your messages are read and save your worries about mail problems. If you still aren’t convinced, did I forget to tell you that this service is free? —Paul Karlsen

In the Spirit of George Christy…:
If you’re not familiar with Gravis, you need to be. Gravis, not to be confused with the game controller, is on the cutting edge of action-sports footwear and other apparel. Each item is custom-designed for people who are always on the go, whether at work or play. The company has a large crew of professional snowboarders, surfers and skaters who provide input that’s used to develop Gravis’ unique brand of apparel. Products range from shoes, shirts and caps to beanies, socks and record bags. Yes, even a HITS weasel like myself can appreciate a record bag and stylish beanie. The spring/summer catalog can be viewed online. Check here next week for road-test reviews of some of the new gear from the fall/winter ’01 line. —Don Daily

James Madison, our fourth president, was born March 16, 1751, in Port Conway, VA. Novelist Washington Irving described him as "but a withered little apple-John"—whatever that means. His wife Dolly was a contrast to him and considered the toast of Washington. He was known as the "Father of the Constitution," led the inconclusive War of 1812. Because of his contributions toward the writing and formation of the Constitution—including penning the Federalist essays with Alexander Hamilton and John Jay—Madison became known as the “Father of the Constitution.” In his later years, he protested that moniker, saying the document was not "the offspring of a single brain, [but] the work of many heads and many hands." Best Anagram Of His Name: Jose is madman.

Where the Meat Elite:
Hey, stop complaining that Anaheim is too far from L.A., because this Saturday’s (International) Noise Conspiracy show at Chain Reaction will be well worth the drive. This Swedish band combines garage rock and ’60s soul with the passion of pissed-off, political punk. But don’t expect frontman Daryl Lyxzn’s defiant, anti-capitalist sentiments to result in a verbal bitch-slapping. The (International) Noise Conspiracy don’t stoop to telling you to f#ck off—they just ignore your protests and play louder. Adding a touch of emo and melodic hardcore to an already hard-hitting lineup are Auburn, AL’s Hot Rod Circuit and Orange County’s Thrice. But the real reason to get there early is to see New Jersey rockers Midtown before their upcoming appearance on MTV’s The Real World turns their raucous, AC/DC-style punk and “meat is murder” vegan mentality into indie chic. The show is all ages, so take the kids—or better yet, let them take you.
—Yennie Cheung

Upcoming Birthdays
May 4-10

4—Tammy Wynette (59)
5—Karl Marx (would have been 183) & Michael Palin (58)
6—Sigmund Freud (would have been 145) & Willie Mays (70)
7—Gary Cooper (would have been 100)
8—Robert Johnson (would have been 90) & Don Rickles (75)
9—Albert Finney (65)
10—Fred Astaire (would have been 102)

Special Events
4—International Tuba Day & Toad Suck Daze (Conroy, AZ)
5—Cinco de Mayo
7—Full Moon & Wesak Day
8—No Socks Day
10—Whacking Day

You Bring The Tequila, I’ll Bring The Limes
Get drunk this weekend. Not that you needed any encouragement, but it’s Cinco de Mayo, which means "fifth of May" in Spanish. In case you didn’t know, it’s an actual holiday, marking the victory of the Mexican Army over the French at the Battle of Puebla. Tonight in N.Y.C., it should be partly cloudy, with a low in the mid-60s. Tomorrow will be cloudy, with occasional rain and a high nearing 70 and lows in the mid-40s. Sunday will also be cloudy, with highs in the mid-60s, lows in the upper 40s. In Los Angeles, skies will be partly cloudy all weekend, with temps ranging from the mid-50s to the low 70s. Ain’t it nice. There aren’t any cities named Cinco de Mayo, but Maryland has a town called Mayo, and everybody loves mayonnaise. If you find yourself 10 miles south of Annapolis, expect a few showers, with temps ranging from the low 50s to mid-70s. —David Simutis,
apprentice meteorologist, professional tequila drinker.

Molly's parents are getting a divorce, so she and the girls cook up a scheme to reconcile them.

Marketshare machers. (10/27a)
Lamar enters the House of Jody. (10/27a)
It's a lock. (10/27a)
Planning for an Election Day hopped up on painkillers. (10/27a)
Vote. Do it now. (10/27a)
Bring your umbrella.
Mulling possible surprises.
Why not wear a mask indoors?
What drugs will help us get there?

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