CAPITALIST TOOL!!!

Those surprised that Exxon shareholders overwhelmingly rejected a motion to cease doing business in Myanmar despite its government’s human-rights violations will also be surprised that Volcano’s Tool powered its way to a debut at the top of this week’s HITS Top 50 Albums chart. It wasn’t even close.

"Obviously, the Tool fan base has grown substantially," said Valley Media’s Jerry Suarez, who obviously rejected our motion for a semi-intelligent quote.

Although Tool was the dominant title of the week, outselling the next album by close to a 3-1 margin, there were some other mighty impressive debuts to help retailers deal with gas prices, which are rapidly rising, in conjunction with the major oil companies’ profit margins. Hey, Dubya says you can always use those tax returns to pay for the high price of petro. Anyway, new releases account for the top three albums and five of the first seven. Destiny’s Child (Columbia), which goes to #4 after two weeks at #1, and #5 Janet Jackson (Virgin) are the only Top Five holdovers.

"It’s been a long time since we’ve seen a week where so many important records were released, and all of them met or exceeded expectations," said Suarez, ripping down a tree in an effort to supplement the Republicans’ increased focus on oil exploration.

What Suarez is spewing about is a #2 debut for Elektra’s Missy Elliott, a #3 bow for Geffen’s Weezer and Warner Bros.’ R.E.M. making a grand entrance at #6. If that ain’t enough to inspire an oil executive to destroy the Alaskan wilderness, Reprise’s Depeche Mode debuts at #6.

And if that’s not sufficient to resurrect the nuclear-power industry and place the world’s safety in the hands of a small group of greedy, corrupt Republican ass-kissers, next week’s chart will be dominated by yet another Elektra monster, Staind.

"I believe in Dick Cheney," said Suarez, while pouring crude oil down the gullet of a wild Canadian goose. "This Staind record will do really well. Can I borrow $3.50 for a gallon of regular, please?"