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In a nutshell: "Based on a true story... the best-selling psychological thriller... adapted for the U.S. market by John 'Breakfast Club' Hughes... Mick Jagger's lips... previously made a documentary... with sum more heat for that asss... But I gotta tell you... nothing... conjures the loose-limbed... war with the French... [like] her new black boyfriend."

DON’T PASS OVER THIS
WEAK-END PLANNER

It’s A Fun-Filled Planner Even
The Gentiles Can Enjoy
Why is this Weak-End Planner different from all other Weak-End Planners? Well, this week, we dip not once, but twice into such activities as the new movie "Blow," which opens this weekend with a suitably hedonistic fling into drug culture... Just remember to leave a filled crack pipe for Elijah and auction off the Golden Calf on Ebay. Oh, yeah, drink plenty of cheap Manischewitz wine and indulge in a little "Find the Missing Matzoh" on PlayStation 2. As for the rest of you gentiles, there's always the opening weekend of baseball, which may not quite be enough to raise you from the dead, but you're bound to run into a second baseman named Jesus.

GAME OF THE WEEK
The Wearing Of The Green:
Actually, it's not precisely a game, it's a tournament...a golf tournament. In fact, in the minds of golf connoisseurs, The Masters (as opposed to The Master's, Mike Penberthy's alma mater), held each spring in Augusta, GA, is THE golf tournament. Embarrassingly, the early edition of Weak-End Planner failed to even mention this hallowed event, but then our duffer boss noticed the heinous oversight and demanded that we put it right. Yessir. After 36 holes, links kings Tiger Woods, David Duval and Phil Mickelson are all very much in the hunt at Augusta National, a scenario that must have CBS salivating as it picks up the action for the weekend. Howzat, Lenny?
—Bud Scoppa

GUY WITH THE GOGGLES SMELLS THE GLOVE
Shoot-fire, this here prognosicatin' is jest gettin' easier ever' time. This here is a simple game: You throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball. I cain't remember where I heard that, but it's dang sure true. AL East: Dang, my grandma could pick this one, and she's old. Yankees all the way. AL Central: Cleveland Indians. Some people think the White Sox, but anybody who anythang knows an Injun kin beat a feller in white sox any day. AL West: Oakland A's. Now this here is where it gets scientific. Think about this: They is the A's—A's come first. I learnt that in first grade. AL Wild Card: This here's where it gets complicated, but shoot, I'm gonna make it simple. I'm pickin' the Seattle Mariners. Why? Cuz so many bad things have happened to them folks in Seattle so far, sump'm good is bound to happen sooner or later. NL East: Heck, I really hate to do this, but I'm gonna pick the danged ol' Mets. Shoot, I don't even know what a Met is. NL Central: I'm pickin' the danged ol' Astros. You might wonder why. I'm from Texas. Besides that, ever'body else is pickin' the Cardinals, but shoot, they got a pitcher that cain't hit the broad side of a barn. NL West: Hell's bells, I really hate this one. This here time, I'm gonna get psychological on ya. Ever' year, I been pickin' the Dodgers, cuz L.A. is my adopted home, and ever' year they stank it up. So this here year, I'm pickin' the Giants in hopes that they will stank too. Thank you. NL Wild Card: Well, as much as I hate them tomahawk-choppin' muthas down in Dixie, I gotta pick' em. Good luck and God bless.

TRAKIN'S PICKS TO FLICK
"Blow":
"Yo! MTV Raps!" alumnus Ted Demme's epic flick, based on a true story from a screenplay by Nick Cassavetes and David McKenna, is about Johnny Depp's George Jung, a high school football star turned drug dealer who gets involved with the lucrative '70s Colombia cartel cocaine trade in swingin' California. Of course, it's a "rise and fall" cautionary tale filled with the buzz of sex, paranoia, Members Only jackets, bell-bottoms and getting high. The movie's been compared, unfavorably in most cases, with classics of the genre like "GoodFellas," "Scarface" and "Boogie Nights" and comes with a raucous Virgin Records soundtrack featuring the Rolling Stones, Cream, Lynyrd Skynyrd and red-hot newcomer Nikka Costa. The film's cast includes, ironically, "GoodFellas" star Ray Liotta as Depp's construction worker father, Penelope Cruz as Latino party-girl Mirtha and an almost unrecognizable, long-haired Paul Reubens a.k.a. Pee-Wee Herman as a gay hairdresser who deals pot on the side. Extra points to the label for its promotional package, which included a "Blow" T-shirt, folded bindle packet, a mirrored postcard and a sawed-off straw. Ah, nostalgia. See http://www.getsomeblow.com/index2.html.

"Along Came A Spider": Since when did Morgan Freeman become the King of the Serial Killer movies? Based on the best-selling psychological thriller by James Patterson, this is not the sequel to '97's "Kiss The Girls," but the author's first novel about Washington, DC, police detective and shrink Alex Cross. The graphics and marketing owe an awful lot to David Fincher's "Se7en," which Freeman also starred in, and is undoubtedly the "Citizen Kane" of the genre. This one was directed by New Zealand native Lee Tamahori, known for such intense, violent movies as "Once Were Warriors" and "Mulholland Falls," with Nick Nolte, Melanie Griffith and Chazz Palminteri, and "The Edge," with Anthony Hopkins and Alex Baldwin. If there were as many serial killers as you see in the movies, there wouldn't be a population left to see any of the films about them. For more, check out http://www.alongcameaspider.com

"Just Visiting": Based on the 1993 French blockbuster, "Les Visiteurs," this looks like it could be a guilty pleasure. Continental star Jean Reno ("Mission: Impossible") stars as a medieval knight sent by a wizard into modern times, where he and his Marty Feldman-esque sidekick/serf Christian Clavier try to slay SUVs that they think are dragons. A grown-up Christina Applegate, always good for some eye candy, is featured as Reno's descendent in the movie, which has been adapted for the U.S. market by John "Breakfast Club" Hughes. The film could be the next "Three Men And A Baby," or it could be the next "Three Fugitives." Remember, the French think Jerry Lewis is funny, so buyer beware. The film's a co-production between Gaumont Studios and Disney's Hollywood Pictures. Check out http://justvisiting.movies.com for the full scoop.

"All Access": A large-screen Imax version of an all-star concert, the movie features performances by Sting and the Dave Matthews Band (with Al Green), Santana, Kid Rock, Moby, Macy Gray, Sheryl Crow and George Clinton (with Mary J. Blige), as well as interviews and behind-the-scenes peeks backstage. If seeing Sting on a 70-foot-tall screen is your thing, by all means, take a hit off yer bong and head to your local Imax venue. The last film of its type, "The Rolling Stones At The Max," featured Mick Jagger's lips threatening to swallow the entire theater. Brothers Peter (who owns the New York club Wetlands and previously made a documentary about being on the road with the Grateful Dead) and John Shapiro (who previously produced "Richie Rich" and is developing a Curious George movie) produced the flick, with the thought of taking fans to places they've never been before. Another interesting touch is, the movie was underwritten by Certs, which is convenient if you do smoke before seeing the film. Check http://allaccess.yahoo.com for the official website.
—Roy Trakin

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"The softer a man's head, the louder his socks. "
—Helen Rowland

LP'S PLAYSTATION 2 GAME OF THE WEEK
Three-On-Three Action:
Oh sheeeit, LP-Zoid iz back with sum more heat for that asss. This week I take time out to give props to tha krew at Midway for doing an incredible job on this game, so for thoze Laker fanz, Shaq fans or wannabe fanz, this one iz for you. This one gives NBA Live and NBA 2 Night a run for tha money. So two-on-two roundball ain't your style, huh? Midway haz heard your cries since tha days of NBA Jam and will finally up tha ante with NBA Hoopz, a three-on-three update of NBA Showtime. While little iz known az to what tha new b-ball game will offer over itz four-to-a-court predecessor, already seen are wacky versions of NBA courts—last time it had a street course; this time, tha street course iz on another planet. Tha muscle of tha PS2 game console gives this NBA arcade game tha kind of moves Midway's b-ball series haz always been known for. —Latin Prince

1Q CD COMPILATION
Here's a guitar-pop-leaning 80-minute CD-R I recently put together containing tracks from albums released during the first quarter of 2001, along with a coupla current radio records from Y2K albums. Last year there were lotsa strong statements from female artists, but so far this year, I'm back to my old standbys—lovelorn white guys with guitars. For the record, nothing released in early 2001 comes close (in terms of my predictable criteria, in any case) to Pete Yorn's mindblowing debut album, "musicforthemorningafter" (Columbia), or Neil Finn's "One Nil" (Parlophone import), which harkens back to the glory days of Crowded House, in particular that band's brilliant second album, "Temple Of Low Men." But I gotta tell you, at a time when gifted artists like Finn and Matthew Sweet don't even have record deals in the U.S., and Tom DeSavia no longer has an A&R job, something's gotta be rotten in the State of California. Nonetheless, exceptional records somehow still get made and released on major labels—Tom went out strong with the best LP yet by the Old 97's, "Satellite Rides" (Elektra), and I see Nanci Walker's name prominently in the Yorn credits. There'll always be a place for taste…I hope. —Bud Scoppa

"Pacific Daylight Time"
01. Pete Yorn: "Strange Condition"
02. Chamber Strings: "The Fool Sings Without Any Song"
03. Neil Finn: "Last To Know"
04. Old 97's: "King Of All The World"
05. Minibar: "Holiday From Myself"
06. Semisonic: "Act Naturally"
07. Delerium with Matthew Sweet: "Daylight" (radio edit)
08. Doves: "Catch The Sun"
09. Neil Finn: "Rest Of The Day Off"
10. Duncan Sheik: "Mouth On Fire"
11. David Gray: "Please Forgive Me"
12. Whiskeytown: "Mirror, Mirror"
13. Old 97's: "Bird In A Cage"
14. Pete Yorn: "For Nancy"
15. Neil Finn: "Hole In The Ice"
16. Dandy Warhols: "Godless (radio edit)"
17. Old 97's: "Question"
18. Chamber Strings: "Make It Through The Summer"
19. Pete Yorn: "Another Girl"
20. Neil Finn: "Secret God"

BLAST FROM THE PAST
Shuggie Otis, "Inspiration Information" (
Luaka Bop): The "World Psychedelic Classics" series presented by David Byrne's label—following up on the amazing Os Mutantes anthology from a while back—brightens the landscape again with this rather obscure gem from 1974. The second solo LP by Otis (son of guitar great Johnny), it conjures the loose-limbed funk and intimate vibe of Sly Stone's mid-period masterpiece "Fresh," but with even greater stylistic elasticity. Otis, who plays almost every instrument on the album, also possesses an angelic voice. On tunes like the magical title track, "Aht Uh Mi Hed" and the original version of "Strawberry Letter 23" (later a hit, of course, for the Brothers Johnson), he manages to invest the buttery soul genre with a wholly idiosyncratic sensibility; elements of blues, jazz, singer-songwriter pop and even prog-rock are woven seamlessly into the disc's fabric. Truly one of those "they don't make ‘em like this anymore" albums, "Inspiration" instantly produces a feeling of elation and maintains the mood throughout. Look for it to get its due on numerous year's-best lists—only 27 years later than it should have. —Simon Glickman

PRESIDENTIAL FACT OF THE WEEK
John Adams, our second president, was born Oct. 30, 1735, in Braintree (now Quincy), MA. He served two terms as George Washington's vice president—back when the second highest vote-getter became the VP. Apparently, his nickname was "Atlas of Independence," although that may just be what his wife Abigail called him. He narrowly avoided war with the French during the "XYZ Affair"—which surprisingly had nothing to do with zippers. On his deathbed on July 4, 1826, Adams whispered his last words: "Thomas Jefferson survives." Ironically, Jefferson had passed away only hours earlier on that same day—the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. Best Anagram Of His Name: Jam on dash.

MARK YOUR CALENDAR!
Upcoming Birthdays
April 6-12

6—Gil Kane (would have been 75) & Merle Haggard (64)
7—Billie Holiday (would have been 86) & Jackie Chan (47)
9—Carl Perkins (would have been 69)
10—Max Von Sydow (72) & Martin Denny (90)
12—Tiny Tim (would have been 71) & David Letterman (54)

Special Events
6—Chakri Day (Thailand)
7—Full Moon, Waurika Rattlesnake Hunt (Oklahoma) & Passover
8—Palm Sunday
10—California Poppy Festival (Lancaster, CA)

YOUR WEAK-END WEATHER
Guaranteed Not To Affect The Stock Market
There's nothing like extra daylight to make you appreciate being stuck indoors all day. Of course, this weekend's crummy weather looks like a good chance to put in some extra time at the office—maybe it'll impress the boss. In the Big Apple, Saturday will be cloudy and a bit windy, with a high approaching 50 and a low in the low 40s. Even odds on rain too. Sunday will be mostly cloudy and rainy as well, with temps ranging from the low 50s to the low 60s. In the city of Angels, Saturday also looks like rain, with a high in the mid-60s and lows in the mid-40s. Sunday, cloudy and chilly. Temps in the mid-40s to upper 50s. Maybe instead of working, you could head to Paris—Paris, TX, that is—where the air is warm. Saturday will be partly cloudy, with a high near 80 and a low of 60. Sunday's temps will be the same, with a chance of rain after the sun goes down. Yee-haw!
—David Simutis, apprentice meteorologist.

"FACTS OF LIFE" SUMMARY FOR THE WEEK
Tootie has an identity crisis when her new black boyfriend questions the motives of her white friends at Eastland.

REPUBLIC UPS GOLDSTEIN, ROPPO TO CO-PRESIDENTS
Team Lipman doubles up. (11/26a)
MAYBE, JUST MAYBE:
HOLIDAY CHEER IS HERE
Season's bleatings (11/23a)
COUNTRY GRAMMYS' ROOTS ARE SHOWING
Deck the Grammys with boughs of Holly. (11/24a)
THE BRITISH
ARE COMING
Rolling out our U.K. Special print issue (11/24a)
AND THE GRAMMY NOMINEES ARE...
Olivia, the Biebs, H.E.R., Doja Cat, Billie and Jon Batiste lead the way. (11/24a)
TURKEY
Basting.
STUFFING
Stuffing.
YAMS
Candying.
PUMPKIN PIE
Stuffing (in face).
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