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ENOUGH MUSIC NEWS
TO CHOKE A HORSE

Throw Another Shrimp On The Kylie And Other Facts Even We Couldn’t Even Make Up
CHASING WATERFALLS?
TLC's resident firecracker Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes has gone missing. According to the New York Post, the singer has not been seen since Thursday (8/31), when she met witha business partner at her Atlanta apartment. Lopes was a no-show at a press conference in Las Vegas Tuesday (9/5) to promote her appearance at a British awards show, as well as at a weekend family gathering in Atlanta. Her publicist, Matt Shelton, made an appeal to the wayward singer: "Lisa, if you're reading this, please call us. We're very worried about you." Rumors that Lopes was hiding out in the HITS' men's room were unfounded; it was actually Lil' Kim shaking the dew off her lily.

LOVE BUG?
Country singer LeAnn Rimes is reportedly suffering from the Epstein-Barr virus. E! Online says the teen chanteuse was diagnosed with the virus after experiencing months of fatigue and other health problems. Incidentally, E! heartthrob David Adelson has also been looking a little piqued himself…

PUTTING THE LOCO IN LOCOMOTION
Because nothing says "Olympics" more than giant shrimp and Kylie Minogue, the Sydney Olympic Games Committee has devised the most bizarre Opening Ceremony ever. It's been revealed that there are plans for Minogue tobe accompanied in the extravaganza by actors dressed up as prawns and cowboys singing a song entitled "G'Day, G'Day." (Editors note: No punch line in the world could top that.)

MAKES ME WANNA COPY STUFF
Attention Axl Rose: Somebody out there still likes you. Limp Bizkit's fred durst',390,400);">fred durst',390,400);">Fred Durst told L.A. radio station KROQ that Guns N' Roses' "Don't Cry" provided inspiration for the band's video for "Rollin'," which was shot atop the World Trade Center. Durst told morning jocks Kevin & Bean: "We wanted to be like Guns N' Roses," of the clip which features swooping helicopters and braless bimbos. Added Durst: "It's definitely another reason to hate us more," then asked for directions to Rose's hermit compound in Malibu.

PROTEST ROCK
David Crosby
has announced plans for the National Rally and Citizen Vote for Campaign Finance Reform. The non-partisan rally will take place Tuesday (9/19) on the West Steps of the Capitol Building in Washington, DC. Crosby will be joined by bandmates Steven Stills and Graham Nash, comic Paula Poundstone, Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura, and Senators John McCain (R-Arizona) and Russell Feingold (D-Wisconsin). Said Senator McCain: "I'll do anything to keep Crosby away from the sperm bank."

SPINAL TAP GOES DOWN THE DRAIN
Heavy metal legends Spinal Tap have revealed the identity of their new drummer. Sam Smales, a 35-year-old toilet paper salesman from Westerville, OH, has won the dubious honor of banging the skins for the legendary rock group.
Listen.com and Rolling Stone hosted and promoted the contest, in which contestants had to say, in 50 words or less, why they should be the new drummer. Said Smales in his winning essay: "My name is Smales... not Smalls. Smales/Smalls are derivations of the Welsh name Small, which explains our cucumbers… You need 'family' in the band, and my great uncle's third cousin's brother's nephew is Derek Smalls. Furthermore, I will be the first toilet paper salesman turned drummer for Spinal Tap." Incidentally, Smales recently won an award for "excellence in toilet paper sales," which he'll proudly display next to his autographed glossy of the Tidy Bowl Man.

HITS LIST: AMPERSANDS
Dynamic duos (12/3a)
TAYLOR'S TREMENDOUS YEAR
She'd make one helluva CEO. (12/3a)
THEY CALL THE WINDFALL MARIAH (HOLIDAY EDITION)
Ch-chingle bells (12/3a)
SONG REVENUE:
BOWS OF HOLLY
Adele is money. (12/3a)
UTA MUSIC EXPANDS IN NASHVILLE
Reshuffling the deck (12/3a)
CHESTNUTS
Roasting.
STOCKINGS
Stuffing.
PIPERS
Piping.
SANTA
Coming.
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