ALBUM CHART HAS
UNIVERSAL APPEAL

You see, the idea behind spending $10.4 billion for a competing record company was to build a consistently dominant music group whose U.S. marketshare would hit heights previously unheard of.

Mission accomplished.

This week, Doug Morris' Universal Music Group boasts the #1 album in the country, THREE of the Top Four, SIX of the Top 10 and EIGHT of the Top 15. We're talking major chart domination, folks.

UMG's onslaught was led by "NOW, Volume 4" at #1, Nelly's "Country Grammar" at #3, Eminem at #4 and Papa Roach at #6. The other members of the Top Five, #2 Britney Spears and #5 NSYNC, are brought to you by BMG.

"It was another solid week for ‘NOW 4' and Nelly," said HMV's Ken Feldman, who is about as useful to the music industry as a big fat joint would be at the Republican National Convention. Speaking of Republicans, soon after giving that quote, Feldman was stripped of his citzenship and relegated to a life of bland sex in the missionary position for once uttering the words "affirmative" and "action" in the same sentence.

Rounding out this week's Top 10 were Creed, 3 Doors Down, "The Nutty Professor II" and Destiny's Child. By slipping into the 10^th slot, Destiny's Child—from Sony—prevented the week's Top 10 from being the exclusive domain of UMG and BMG.

"It was another solid week for ‘NOW 4' and Nelly," said HMV's Feldman, attempting to replicate the excitement of a Dick Cheney acceptance speech. "Hey, I have the right to choose my quotes," said the retailer. Moments later, Feldman was flogged by a bunch of martini-soaked Republicans for using the words, "right to choose."