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SWISS RENOUNCE NEUTRALITY; WAGE WAR WITH OASIS

Festival Crowd Horrified By Sight Of Liam Gallagher’s Uni-Brow (7/27p)

Who's Next?
An idyllic community has been divided in two, and only the Who can unite its residents. No, it's not the mods and rockers battling in Brighton, but the residents of Springfield. That's the premise behind the season opener of "The Simpsons."Graying rockers Pete Townsend, Roger Daltrey and John Entwistle will play themselves in the Nov. 5 episode, entitled "A Tale of Two Springfields." That's play themselves, not play with themselves.

Tap Into This
Napster
is dead, long live Tapster. Legendary rockers Spinal Tap announce the launch of its own music-sharing service. Tapster makes its debut by offering free downloads of the band's latest, "Back From The Dead." Said bassist Derek Smalls: "We're not unnecessarily concerned about intellectual property—this isn't Harvard, Yale or Oxford." When asked how Tapster differs from Napster, guitarist Nigel Tufnel replied: "Napster's a bit complicated, really, what with all those songs available. One of the brilliant things about Tapster is there's only one song to choose from." Sources said Tapster will immediately replace Napster: "All you do is replace the N with a T. Just don't tell the RIAA."

A Bird In The Hand…
No Doubt
's Gwen Stefani may soon be left with little more than Gavin Rossdale's bathwater. According to British paper The Sun, the Bush frontman has gone ga-ga over Andrea Corr, of The Corrs. Rossdale has reportedly told friends that he is in love with Corr, although the pair only met this Monday (7/24), at the trendy London Japanese restaurant Nobu. They have been inseparable ever since. Sources said Stefani is expecting Gavin to spend August with her in Los Angeles. A friend of Rossdale's told the tabloid: "He doesn't know what he is going to say to Gwen because he does not know what to do. Gavin has never felt like this before and can't get enough of Andrea." During his four-year relationship with Stefani, Rossdale has been linked with Courtney Love, Amanda de Cadenet and All Saint's Nicole Appleton… all blondes. It may be time for Gwen to hit the Miss Clairol again.

X Marks The Spot
Authorities in Los Angeles seized more than two million tablets of Ecstasy with a street value of about $40 million, in what's being called the biggest "X" bust ever in the U.S. The hallucinogenic drug, which gives users a feeling of euphoria, was seized at Los Angeles International Airport on Saturday (7/22) after arriving on an Air France plane from Paris in a 15-box shipment labeled "pencils." Officials say the drugs probably came from the Netherlands, but they'd have to take some to make sure. At a press conference Wednesday (7/26) U.S. Customs, FBI and Drug Enforcement Administration said they arrested three people from the Los Angeles area. They are also looking for a 26-year-old Los Angeles man alleged to be the leader of an international trafficking ring responsible for importing vast amounts of Ecstasy into both the United States and Europe. Authorities said the suspect was last seen wearing a Cat in the Hat chapeau and a hitsdailydouble.com t-shirt. If spotted, please ask for our Fatboy Slim CD back.

15 Minutes Too Long
Oasis
is at it again. The band stormed offstage Wednesday night (7/26), 30 minutes into its headlining slot at the Paleo Festival near Geneva, Switzerland, claiming they were pelted with bottles, cans and coins. Festival organizers tell a different story, releasing a statement which reads: "About 20 minutes into the concert, singer Liam Gallagher...walked off the stage claiming they were under threat from 'flying debris' thrown by members of the audience. The objects thrown on the stage consisted of a few empty plastic bottles and a balloon filled with water. None of these objects hit any of the members of the group. The festival's organizers would like to point out that the arrogant and provocative attitude of Liam Gallagher had undoubtedly influenced the audience's attitude. He insulted members of the audience...the objects were thrown after these insults." Organizers said the band's decision to walk off was a "paranoid reaction by the group, and not based on a calm analysis of the situation," and implied the band could have put the safety of fans at risk by "depriving such a huge crowd of the band they had come to applaud." Paleo organizers will hold an internal inquiry into the situation on 7/28. Meanwhile, Gallagher was seen selling the remainder of his soul to Satan for 15 minutes more of fame.

ALONG CAME JONES
Alamo adds a COO. (1/13a)
VISUAL ARTISTS HONOR INTERSCOPE
A feast for the senses (1/14a)
GRAMMYS IN APRIL?
(NO FOOLIN')
Vegas, baby. (1/12a)
COACHELLA LINEUP: HARRY, YE, BILLIE AND THE WHOLE THING
The poster has been printed. (1/13a)
UTA: A YEAR OF MOMENTUM
Agency reshuffles the deck. (1/18a)
I DON'T WANNA WORK
I just wanna bang on my drum all day.
I HAVE A HANGOVER
I like to call it "2021."
I DON'T WANNA HAVE A MEETING
My Zoom backgrounds are all outdated.
I MISS CHRISTMAS
When's the next holiday that involves eggnog?
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