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MC ELIAN IN THE HOUSE
Newest Media Superstar Ready To Hip-Hop
What's with Elian Gonazalez? The kid can't pitch or hit, is younger than Adrian Beltre, but the likes of Al Gore, Andy Garcia and Gloria Estefan are urging the U.S. government to let the Cuban refugee stay here just as his father arrives to take him back home. With Fidel Castro ordering his return, a top secret cabal of record executives took the opportunity to visit Elian in Miami and give him the platform to tell us firsthand what he's all about. The result is "Sharkbait," little Elian's rap debut, featuring Puffy Combs and the late Big Pun. HITS has obtained an exclusive lyric sheet to the song, and has made the entire MP3 file of the song available at www.Cohiba.com.

Since 1994 I been kickin' it in Cuba
It ain't been no Aruba
with the Communist jive.
I did what I was told
even though my brain was bought and sold
Mi papi said, "You leave,
then you won't make it out alive.
I studied Marx and Lenin
No, not Groucho and John
or Harpo and Sean
I'm talkin' Karl and Vladimir
the dudes were true, without a peer.
The people had the power
and the workers had the juice
I was a Castro kid
I never questioned what I did
even though the few who disagreed
would somehow disappear.
The vibe was weird
we all got scared
cuz we'd all been reared
by a big ol' smelly guy
with a nasty-ass beard.
Floatin' in the ocean,
feelin' every motion
breathin' salty air
I blew my chunks like Linda Blair.
What happened next was hazy
all I know, the sea went crazy.
At the break of dawn
my mom was gone
and suddenly
I'm the Chosen One!
Don't pull my cigar
You freaks know who you are
You use a six-year-old kid
to make a point you never had.
Don't yank on my chorizo
You media-whoring sleazos
I got my own plan
F**** Janet Reno and my Dad
From Miami down to Boca
I got to taste La Vida Loca
I know more s**t will come my way
now that I've signed with C.A.A.
I'm the Latin Leo DiCaprio
It's all a bunch of crap you know
unless I get to write and direct
and every deal is pay or play
So don't beat on my pinata
You go by my rules cuz you gotta
I'm the six-year-old gorilla
who can buy and sell you all
Don't bite on my burrito
My plan will be complete-o
when one million pissed-off Cubans
flood the Washington Memorial Mall
Elian for Prez!
That's what the crowd sez!
Who cares if I'm a citizen
as long as I'm a star
I'll start my revolution
rewrite your constitution
With my finger on the button
Watch me light Fidel's cigar
Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh baby
Watch me light Fidel's cigar

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No, but we're thinking about cookies.
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