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MUSIC NEWS, BILLY BARTY-STYLE
Too Short To Be Features, Too Important To Be Ignored, Too Ephemeral To Be Remembered

The Eagles are offering no welcome to the Hotel California Grill: The rock group is suing the Texas eatery for trademark violations. "If they do not change the name of the restaurant in 30 days," lawyers for the band said, "they will find out the litigious wrath of the band is not a peaceful, easy feeling." Open only two and a half weeks, the Addison, TX, restaurant (13 miles north of Dallas) will be changing its name to the Baja California Grill to avoid litigation. Lawyers also rejected the owner's second choice, Kentucky Frey Chicken. But the restaurant will not be changing its menu and will still offer "topless margaritas," a variety of authentic Mexican tacos, a Margarita Mousse dessert, mirrors on the ceiling and pink champagne on ice.

Mick Jagger is in mourning for his mother, Eva, who died yesterday (5/18) in England of a heart condition. She was 87. The saddened Stone immediately left the Cannes Film Festival, where he has been with ex-wife Jerry Hall, to support his father, Joe, and brother Chris. The news shocked most Stones fans, as they were certain the Stones frontman was somewhere in the neighborhood of 87 years old.

An alleged stalker was arrested outside the Malibu estate of Guns N' Roses rocker Axl Rose. Karen McNeil, 39, was arrested Tuesday and booked for investigation of stalking, said Los Angeles County sheriff's Deputy Rick Martinez. McNeil, already the subject of a restraining order forbidding her from coming near the rock star, was being held in lieu of $150,000 bail. She was also the suspect in several prior stalking reports involving the rocker, Martinez said. At presstime, rumors that McNeil was simply another in the long list of musicians aspiring to be a member of the new Guns N' Roses went unconfirmed.

Troubled rapper DMX is paying $220,000 to stop the eviction of a Yonkers church that once put him up in its basement when he was just plain old Earl Simmons, according to the New York Daily News. Church elders have said they couldn't be happier to receive money from the author of "What The Bitches Want" and "Fuckin' Wit D."

The boyfriend of Madonna was arrested on suspicion of assaulting a man outside the pregnant star's London home, police said on Friday. Guy Ritchie, a 31-year-old film director, was released on bail pending further police investigations. Madonna is five months pregnant with Ritchie's child. A spokeswoman for London's Metropolitan Police confirmed that a man was arrested early on Thursday in the Kensington district of the capital, where Madonna rents a two million pound (which is either 3 million American dollars or 32 million ounces) mansion, Reuters reports. Police said the victim was a 20-year-old man, whose injuries were minor and did not require hospital treatment. Madonna chided Ritchie for his actions, saying, "Sean Penn never would have left him with only ‘minor injuries.' Sean would have sent him to the hospital."

Falling in line with Dr. Dre (who produced his previous album and is currently dropping the legal hammer on Napster), rapper Eminem has lashed out at the file-sharing app. "I think that s**t is f**king bulls**t," said Eminem in response to his forthcoming "Marshall Mathers LP" appearing in its entirety on Napster ahead of its 5/23 release. "Whoever put my s**t on the Internet, I want to meet that motherf**ker and beat the s**t out of him… I think that anybody who tries to make excuses for that s**t is a f**king bitch." An MP3 file of the entire Eminem interview from which these comments were excerpted is currently available through Gnutella.

BIEBER ALBUM DROPPING ON VALENTINE'S DAY
There's a tour too. (1/28a)
KEN TELLS ALL
Mr. Ehrlich talks about Kobe, the Academy and Fame. (1/28a)
AND THE GRAMMY GOES TO...
The list. (1/28a)
TREVOR DANIEL SIGNS TO PULSE
Pubco's first big inking post-deal. (1/28a)
HOW THE GRAMMYS BROUGHT THE HEALING
We use words like 'gravitas." (1/28a)
SUPER BOWL!
It's apparently some kind of sporting event.
HOW DOES GRAMMY MOVE ON?
From scandal to ... status quo?
VALENTINE'S DAY
The price of love must be carefully calculated. (Cough, Bieber tickets, cough.)
JOHN BOLTON TO TESTIFY!
Just kidding. Mitch and Lindsey won't let that happen.
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