THE OLYMPICS ARE SERIOUSLY DISTURBED

When France's Olympians Vanessa James and Morgan Ciprés free-skated to Disturbed's "Sound of Silence" (Warner Bros.) in Pyeongchang on 2/14, it was a double Valentine: in addition to an impressive couple performance, their turn rocketed the rock band's 2015 Simon & Garfunkel cover from outside the Top 200 to #2 at iTunes, where its sales came remarkably close (per numbers from Kworb.net) to those of top-selling smash "God's Plan" by Drake.

Figure skating also gave Celine Dion her biggest boost since Titanic (which also had a big ice component, you'll recall) with "Ne Me Quitte Pas," a Top 5 responder at Shazam. And two performances by other skaters (USA's Adam Rippon and Alex & Maia Shibutani) powered Coldplay track sales, with "O" making it into the iTunes Top 20.

Unfortunately, all this is bringing back memories of falling on our butts at the rink when we were 11. How they laughed at us. Laughed and laughed and laughed.