HOW TO HANDLE BEING BOUNCED FROM A UNITED FLIGHT
In light of the disturbing incident on a recent United flight—during which a passenger who resisted deplaning was roughed up and dragged away like an infidel during the Inquisition—you frequent-flyer weasels may be wondering what to do in such a situation.
You could try another airline, but if you’ve got United SkyMiles, forget it. Do you really want to be hashing this out with some robotic functionary in the bowels of your label’s bureaucracy? Besides, most of the other carriers are no different, and their personnel are usually about one request for more peanuts away from bludgeoning you, whether you know it or not.
So, should you find yourself in a scenario like the one faced by that defiant passenger, here are a few tips.
- Don’t look airline employees directly in the eye. It enrages them.
- In exchange for retaining your seat, offer to take flight attendant to the “product closet.” Some of them still listen to CDs.
- Pretend you know the pilot, which can’t be too different from pretending to know all the other people you say you do.
- Avoid such accustomed conversational feints as “Listen, you fascist fuck—do you know who I am?”
- Rat out another passenger for using their own headphones instead of buying a pair. Such cooperation will be appreciated.
- If you resist and they begin to drag you off the plane, grab a nearby blanket and put it under you, to reduce friction.
Next time: Being removed from your own building by security.
