THE GRAMMYS: A #HENCHHIPSTER'S FIRST TAKE

9:45pm

I eat a burrito. I was going to post a #selfie with said burrito, but I vaccuumed it down my throat too vehemently for that to be an option. Instead, I can offer you this picture of the The Flying Burrito Brothers, because it's my party and I can post if I want to.

8:30pm

Beyoncé (in a sparkling white gown on what looked like the steps to heaven) proved she's actually not queen tonight. In fact, she's God. Her performance of "Take My Hand, Precious Lord," a tribute to her mother, was naturally exquisite and empowering. I particularly related to the lyric, "I am tired. I am weak." If I have to smile or say "hey buddy" one more time while traipsing around in these heels, I'm gonna be on that highway to hell sooner than expected.

8:12pm

Stevie Wonder gets a standing ovation before presenting Record of the Year, as he should. I refrain from standing, not out of disrespect. I'm just two acoustic guitars away from my first REM cycle. Again, no disrespect, but baby weasel is tired.

In other news, SAM WINS AGAIN. I really enjoy typing that over and over; it makes me feel like I'm winning something way more exciting than a magazine deadline tomorrow.

Bless his soul for thanking the man who broke his heart for his success. The only thing my exes ever got me was a strong affinity for hard liquor.

7:55pm

Sam wins AGAIN! Slay, baby, slay! There was no question around if "Stay With Me" was Song of the Year. It's Song of the Year, Song of the Tear and Song of the Fucking Decade if you ask me.

7:50pm

I fucking adore Sia. She’s like Banksy meets Adele. What could be cooler than that? She performed the hit single in a messy dollhouse of a room reminiscent of the "Chandelier" vid as Maddie Ziegler and SNL's Kristen Wiig danced about.

My personal fave from the album has to be “Eye of the Needle,” though. Every time the song climaxes right around the 2:50mark, I climax a little too.

7:45pm

Prince cheekily remarked "Albums...remember those?" before awarding Beck with Album of the Year. In case you weren't taking notes, Beck was also honored with Best Rock Album. I fucking love it! Long live alternative rock!!!!

7:35pm

OMG. Sam Smith. OMG OMG OMG. I haven’t felt such high levels of entrancement and heartache since I first discovered Elliott Smith and refused to leave my bed unless it was to go get more candles to burn. His voice sounds like the perfectly crafted slice of homemade cheesecake tastes... Sorry, this hunger is making me delusional.

Add nine-time Grammy winner Mary J. Blige into the mix too, and things just get too real.

7:22pm

GUYS, I just saw Paul McCartney perform. You know, that guy Kanye discovered? Kidding. Seriously, my eardrums were just caressed by the musical presence of a Beatle.

Also, BadGalRiRi is my spirit animal. I WILL be rocking that Adam Selman dress she wore to the CFDA Awards at my wedding, btw. Oh and she didn’t sound half bad either.

“FourFiveSeconds” is an outright smash. Everyone’s known that for weeks, though. Wouldn’t you rather talk about me in that sheer, bejeweled number? No? Fine…

6:53pm

Things hit a much more serious note when Katy Perry used her performance of "By the Grace of God" to shine a light on the terror of domestic violence. Introduced by a video message from President Obama and a survivor who shared her story of courage on stage, Perry belted her heart out, donning all white for the occasion. Tasteful move for a pop princess who's typically associated with crazy, colorful outfits and fantastical set design.

6:35pm

Hozier performing "Take Me to Church" with Annie Lennox, queen of soul and angel from above, followed by "I Put A Spell On You" was 100% my favorite moment of the night so far. I don't know how to articulately describe the sensation, but it was an out-of-body experience. They need to release an album together ASAP so I can blast that absolute rock/folk/soul/blues sorcery every time I question why we do what we do in this business. Excuse me while I go pick my jaw up off the grimy Staples Center floor.

6:12pm

Paul McCartney and I are both singing along to ELO. We're a few rows apart but it's definitely a bonding moment. In other news, I really wish I had a joint right now.

5:55pm

Get the illuminati on the phone. Madonna's revolution of love featuring an army of horn-bearing, demon-like soldiers crawling on the floor is definitely gonna ruffle some feathers. But GOD DAMN, that bitch can work it. A+ for putting on a real show. The gospel singers in blood-red gowns made me wonder if I was in the midst of Satanic worship, but I'm totally game. Thanks to NARAS for handing out light-up devil horns for the AC/DC performance. I'm diggin' this theme.

5:50pm

Best Pop Solo Performance means Pharrell goes 2 for 2 so far. He better be fucking "Happy," because I haven't eaten since 9am and I'm starting to get cranky.

5:44pm

I have to say that, in advance, Jessie J and Tom Jones seemed as compatible as milk and hot sauce, but I was just pleasantly surprised during staple "You've Lost That Loving Feeling." I guess a good set of pipes can bridge any generational gap. I just wish Alfonso Ribeiro had been their back-up dancer.

Sammy boy wins again! 2 out 3 ain't too shabby. Three more to go!

5:25

Tay Tay presented my bff Sam Smith with his first Grammy ever, for Best New Artist. Darling boy choked back tears thanking Team Capitol, and it's only the first category.

5:14

Ken Ehrlich is wearing devil horns and yelling at everyone to "GET LOUDER!" I'm not sure if I'm at a cage match or The Grammys. Who am I kidding? Those things are one in the same.

AC/DC just blew out my eardrums in the best way possible with "Highway to Hell." They didn't need to tell me I was on that highway, though. I signed up for that trip when I started working at HITS.

3:50pm

Who's ready to rumble? This chick. One question though: How long do I have to be here before it's socially acceptable to trade out my Stuart Weitzman pumps for the combat boots I have tucked away in my car?

3:15pm

I just grinned ear to ear, and that rarely happens mind you. A Great Big World won their first Grammy ever for Pop Duo/Group Performance for that heart-wrenching ballad, "Say Something" w/Christina Aguilera. They thanked L.A. Reid and Epic Records, but I'd like to thank them for giving me the perfect background music for sobbing into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. Can you believe these two won against the likes of Iggy Azalea, Coldplay, Jessie J + Ariana Grande and Katy Perry? I sure can. Just watch that video and TRY not feel something. I dare you.

I'm also glowing because Jack White just won for Rock Performance, and that man's a bloody genius. I'm also a rock girl by nature, so there's that. Speaking of which, St. Vincent went home with Best Alternative. That girl's one beautifully weird freak and I wish I could pull off that giant, pastel hair.

2:50pm

Frozen—which was almost the top selling album of 2014—won for Best Compilation Soundtrack. Are you surprised? Are you? Nope. They also snagged Best Song Written for Visual Media for "Let it Go." You know? That song every one and their grandmother can't stop singing. Cheers to you, Elsa.

Wes Anderson's brilliant (and visually spectacular) Grand Budapest Hotel did however win Best Score Soundtrack. Thanks for staying trippy, Wes.

Back to songs that everyone and their grandma can't stop shouting, Pharrell's "Happy" snagged Best Music Video.

2:00pm

As I sit here, just a bit further than halfway through the three-hour pre-ceremony in the Nokia Theater at LA Live, the concept that approximately 69-71 of the 83 award categories are presented at this time really starts to set in...

Can someone get me a martini? Actually, is it possible to order a double?

1:30pm

Beyonce just snagged her first win of the night for Surround Sound Album. Is it just me or does anyone else fully believe that she's an alien from a planet made purely of sex and magic?

Oh, and I just got a lady-boner for Alexandra Silber (she played Maria in West Side Story) after that performance of “Tonight.” I think my goosebumps have goosebumps. West Side Story is nominated for Best Musical Theater Album, which will be announced shortly. It's a tough category with a lot of obvious buzz on Carole King, but after THAT performance, I have faith in this gloriously talented underdog. FYI, Silber was introduced as "the fastest-rising soprano in musical theater." You betta believe it, buddy.

1:05pm

EEEEEEEP! Pentatonix just won their first fucking Grammy EVER for Best Arrangement, Instrumental or A Cappella. I adore these silver-throated stars. You may have noticed that their holiday album went platinum right at the end of 2014. Oh and they have more YouTube subscribers than Beyonce...no biggie.You can catch them in Pitch Perfect 2 this year flaunting their supreme a Cappella skills. You'll find me at the Hollywood Arclight stoned out of my mind with cheeks stuffed with popcorn and Buncha Crunch.

12:40pm

Pre-ceremony host Hunter Hayes just wailed on his guitar so hard I think I just found my first ex-husband of the day.

12:25pm

It took me 45 minutes just driving around a million road closures. I literally cried to some stranger involved in media and he gave me a fancy shmancy parking pass. Then a security guard quipped, "Oh look, Katy Perry drove herself to the Grammys. How humble." I guess I've made it....

11:30am

The baby weasel has been thrown to the sharks. REPEAT: The baby weasel has been thrown to the sharks.

After a year and a half of pretending I work in the biz and slowly realizing that HITS is more of a funny farm than it is a biz outlet, I am here...at The Grammys.

Come, take my trembling hand and follow me through the pre-telecast, the red carpet, the big show and maybe an after party or two...if I don't spontaneously combust by then.

Will I suffer from a face-plant more iconic than J Law? Will Sam Smith put my waterproof mascara to the test? Will Harry Styles sweep me off my feet and propose so I can finally quit this ridiculous "job"? Will I have a quarter-life crisis and start speaking in tongues after a severe nervous breakdown? Only time will tell, dear buddy.

I've been having reccurring nightmares about this day for about two weeks now, so bear with me.

On the bright side, though, I didn't show up completely nude only to realize I just plumb forgot to get dressed so I'm already doing better than expected.

I actually look so fucking fabulous that you can't even tell. I work at HITS.