MOTORIST DELIVERS SMASH TO HITS

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Defying 16-and-a-half years of music-business tradition, a driver brought a genuine smash to the HITS cesspool late Tuesday, and to the astonishment of the entire industry, the geniuses who still work there immediately recognized it for what it was.

“Yep, some guy drove his car right into the front of the building. Smashed it up real good,” said HITS Facilities Manager Scott Killam, noting that of all the deliveries he’s accepted over the years, this one was having the most immediate impact. “I guess since it never happened before, it is some kind of record,” Killam added.

“Smash!” enthused Editor in Chief Lenny Beer, observing the damage to his cesspool’s front door. HITS President #2 Todd Hensley immediately instructed his radio department to mercilessly bang the phones and repeat Lenny’s assessment to every P3 programmer in the country.

Publisher Dennis Lavinthal was on vacation and unavailable for comment.

Reaction throughout the industry was immediate and widespread. “I always said they couldn’t recognize a smash if someone drove it through their lobby doors,” said one label executive, on condition of anonymity. “I guess I was wrong.”

“For years, I said to them, ‘What do I have to do to get you to see this for what it is, get in my car and crash it through the front of that butt-ugly building of yours?’ I hate it when people steal my ideas,” said another highly placed executive. “But to be honest, I don’t even know where Sherman Oaks is.”

Meanwhile, at the scene of the incident, the identity of the motorist who delivered the blow remained a mystery. Police were working on several angles, including one theory that the smash might have somehow been a horribly mistimed hit on Mix Show big man Ricky Leigh Mensh, who’s been on a bus with Steven Rifkind since January, 1987.

“I think there might be a commission in this for me, or at least some kind of bogus A&R surf junket,” said HITS A&R “editor” Rodel Delfin. “I’ll bet I can get points on the driver’s DMV record, if they ever find him.”

“It wasn’t me,” added a visibly shaken Hits Daily Double Editor in Chief Marc Pollack, who immediately phoned The Firm to get the inside scoop.

“God almighty, your building looks like shit,” noted one of several repairmen immediately brought in to give competing bids on the board-up job. “Don’t you people have any pride?”

As word of a boarded-up HITS cesspool spread, the publication’s switchboard was swamped with inquiries as to when the “Going Out of Business” sale would take place. According to receptionist reports, interest was high in stained sofas, leftover “Rockline” coffee mugs and editorial drool cups.

“My kid’s having a bonfire on the beach,” one caller reportedly said. “I figured I could pick up some sticks of greasy, defiled particle board for him to burn, cheap.”