HITS MANAGEMENT TAKES CRASH INVESTIGATION PRIVATE

The immediate area surrounding the HITS cesspool remained on Faded, Grimy Pink Alert Wednesday, a condition denoting a high level of threat, even as management received official notice that authorities were discontinuing their investigation into the ramming of a vehicle into the HITS lobby by an unidentified motorist. The incident proved fatal to the building’s doorway.

“We have in fact received notice that police will no longer be looking into this matter,” Facilities Director Scott Killam told a small group of reporters between jobs early Wednesday afternoon. “Apparently, Homeland Security does not extend to the aluminum door frame on the ugliest building on the block.”

The HITS cesspool has stood vacant since the incident, which took place late last Tuesday night.

Killam went on to detail the HITS management’s position that the hit-and-run attack on their precious yet eerily dilapidated cesspool was a decidedly possible act of terrorism that warrants further scrutiny. A more detailed, privately funded investigation would be forthcoming, he said.

In a move that many who have trod through the semi-hallowed halls of HITS found difficult to believe, that promise was fulfilled the very same afternoon, as management issued a press release from its tactical bunker announcing the hiring of a team of private investigators tasked with identifying the HITS building's assailant.

“The major task was finding people we could trust,” the release read, “and to that end we decided to contact some of our oldest associates—parking valets Juan & Orlando.”

Juan & Orlando, who parked cars for HITS into the final decade of the last century, are now highly sought-after private investigators specializing in automotive mishaps and insurance fraud. “Our experience both with parking various types of automobiles and with the various dealings of the HITS organization made our enterprise the ideal choice for the HITS management,” Juan said.

“Indeed, our ability to reconstruct vital incident details and process potentially criminal pieces of evidence will serve us well in this case,” added Orlando. “At this point, we’re fairly certain that the driver was a blonde female in her mid- to late-twenties fitting the description of a young Pamela Anderson, so naturally we will be interviewing as many of those as we can find.”

In other news, a crew of forensic aluminum siding repairmen said they would be able to save the structure around the crushed HITS doorway and create a new door, God willing. The process will require several reconstructive surgeries and multiple trips to the hot dog stand and liquor store, the team said, but with perseverance, discipline and God on their side, the restoration of the facade would be completed within two years.

HITS management declined to comment on the projected timetable for completion of repairs, or the fact that the timetable exceeds the projected life expectancy of hopelessly lame trade rags, or the music business in general for that matter, by at least six months.