KEYS UNLOCKS THE DOOR

On a week when the entire U.S. music industry was "working out of the house," three artists were providing the most excitement we’ve seen since Jack Craigo ran Chrysalis Records. (Ed Note: Not the least bit funny to you young folks, but it gave us old people a good guffaw.)

Yes, kiddies, it was a dog fight until the end, but J Records’ Alicia Keys finished with an exceptional #1 debut, edging out Columbia’s Jagged Edge and Shady/Interscope’s D12, which finished #2 and 3, respectively.

"Alicia Keys is a remarkable success story," said Hastings’ Bob Fuller, whose newfound ability to walk and chew gum simultaneously is a remarkable success story unto itself. "J did a great job setting the record up and capitalizing on the strength of an excellent single. This is a textbook example of how to break a new artist." Bob then broke his nose when the J Records sales rep unexpectedly stopped walking.

For the three people actually in their office this week, there’s more, so buckle up.

Obviously, Alicia ain’t the only chart story this holiday week, considering she beat out Jagged Edge by a nose. Also making their chart debuts were Roc-A-Fella/IDJ’s Beanie Sigel at #7, BNA country killers Lonestar at #9 and Flavahood/EW/EEG’s Lil’ Mo at #18.

Joining Alicia, Jagged Edge and D12 in the Top Five are Elektra powerhouse Staind, who continue to dominate the rock market at #4, and Columbia superstar trio Destiny’s Child at #5.

"It’s great to be an American this week," said Fuller. "Power to all the American-based multibillon-dollar corporate conglomerates who are continuing our age-old practice of exploiting the Third World for cheap labor and raw materials with absolutely no regard for any long-term environmental consequences," said Fuller with obvious pride. "Now excuse me while I blow myself to kingdom come with these Roman candles."

Happy birthday, all you nutty patriots.