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Mick Jagger, Mariah Carey, The Brady Bunch, Johnny Carson, Weird Al and the U.S. men's Olympic ice-skating team all figure into our punch lines today.

NEWS SET TO MUSIC

But The Music Is Only In Your Head, And You Can’t Control It, And It’s "99 Bottles Of Beer"

DEAD POOL
Realizing that there is a buyer for almost anything, the swimming pool tiles that surrounded drowning/overdose victim Brian Jones are now up for sale. The Brian Jones Fan Club is selling tiles from the pool where the former Rolling Stones guitarist was found dead on July 3, 1969. Each tile is priced at $175 and includes a certificate of authenticity. "It's not as macabre as it sounds. It's just owning something that your hero owned and touched and chose," said the fan club's David Reynolds. No word whether there were any takers for the site's other unique offerings from members of the Stones, which include significant chunks of Ron Wood's drink-induced vomit, pieces of Mick Jagger's deteriorated septum and vials of Keith Richards' blood, obviously before its mid-‘80s cleansing.

THERE'S SOME SALSA ON THAT LAWSUIT
Latin heartthrob Marc Anthony is about to take center stage in a Puerto Rican courtroom after a San Juan judge ordered the singer to respond to a lawsuit filed by a local TV personality. Leo Fernandez III claims Anthony assaulted him during a press conference in July. Anthony allegedly attacked the gossip reporter when asked if his wife, former Miss Universe Dayanara Torres, was pregnant. Anthony denied the report, but the couple has since confirmed they are expecting their first child early next year. Fernandez is seeking unspecified damages. Said Anthony of the alleged incident: "I thought he asked if Mariah Carey was knocked up! My bad."

AS IF SOMEONE WOULD HAVE THE COJONES TO CHOOSE SOMETHING OTHER THAN A BEATLES SONG
The Beatles' "Yesterday," which has been recorded more than 3,000 times, was chosen the greatest pop song since 1963 by MTV and Rolling Stone magazine. The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Michael Jackson and Madonna each have two songs within the top 25 of the 100-song list. The Stones' "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" ranked second. Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" came in third. MTV and Rolling Stone said their list was based on songs that had the most influence on popular culture, not necessarily the best songs. Surprisingly, The Brady Bunch's "Time To Change" didn't make the list.

FLUSH FROM HIS STING.COM VICTORY
Sting is taking legal action against Britain's Royal Air Force over its plans to increase usage of an airfield near his $2.9 million mansion. The singer is leading a group of local residents in a campaign against the plan, which they say is a breach of human rights, British newspapers said Friday (11/17). Sting's lawyers have started legal proceedings at Britain's High Court to fight the move, which if allowed, would increase the number of flights at the RAF base from 9,000 to 14,000 a year. "First the Rain Forest, now this," said an RAF observer. "What is this guy's problem?" For the record, Sting owns three other homes, including a $5.7 million home in Malibu. No confirmation that Sting was simultaneously seeking to silence the boisterous remote-control airplane escapades of his beach-front neighbor Johnny Carson.

SATURDAY NIGHT'S ALL RIGHT FOR SUING
Sir Elton John
struck back Thursday (11/16) at the accounting firm and the former manager he is suing, telling London's High Court that they were guilty of "misappropriation" of his fortune. On his second day in the witness box, the singer was given another grilling over his flamboyant lifestyle. He admitted that he ran up debts of millions of pounds despite warnings to spend less. Even so, John said millions of pounds of his money were missing because of failures by accounting firm PricewaterhouseCoopers. Andrew Haydon, formerly of John Reid Enterprises, which managed John's affairs for years, is also being sued for allegedly allowing the star to be charged for expenses he did not owe. His lawyer, Gordon Pollock, has said that John had an aversion to "men in suits," who badgered him about boring financial details (hitsdailydouble.com, 10/16). The court did not address money spent on the men he didn't have an aversion to, which sources proclaim included various European soccer teams and the U.S. men's Olympic ice-skating team.

DURAN DURAN, WHILE A NATURAL CHOICE, IS NOT MENTIONED
The lineup for the enormous Rock In Rio festival is taking shape. The event, officially titled "Rock In Rio For A Better World,'' has announced a slate of 151 acts, and is scheduled to run Jan. 12-14 and Jan. 18-21. Scheduled to take place in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, Sting and James Taylor are among those tapped to open the festival. Beck and the Foo Fighters will headline Jan. 13, while Guns N' Roses, Oasis and Papa Roach will perform Jan. 14. After a three-day break and an obvious change in musical direction, NSYNC, Britney Spears, 5ive and Aaron Carter are inked to play Jan. 18. Others included in the massive lineup include Neil Young, Sheryl Crow and Dave Matthews. Brazilians are eagerly awaiting the announcement that "Weird" Al Yankovic has also been tapped for the event.

ROSAS MURDERER GETS LIFE
The relative convicted of murdering the wife of Los Lobos singer-guitarist Cesar Rosas was sentenced Thursday (11/16) to life in prison by a judge who urged the defendant to tell authorities where he hid her body. A few hours after the sentencing, Los Angeles County sheriff's investigators began investigating "something regarding that case." Gabriel Gomez, the half-brother of victim Sandra Rosas, was convicted in her death even though authorities could not find her body. "Somewhere in the Los Angeles vicinity" did not fly with prosecutors, witnesses offered. DNA evidence of blood matching Gomez and Sandra Rosas were found in her van.

NEAR TRUTHS: SPRING BLOOMS
Here come the big guns. (3/28a)
THE COUNT: COLDPLAY IS HOT, COUNTRY'S COOKIN' IN THE U.K.
The latest tidbits from the bustling live sector (3/28a)
CITY OF HOPE TAPS MARCIANO FOR TOP HONOR
This year's philanthropic model (3/28a)
TRUST IN THE TOP 20
Hip-hop is no longer hibernating. (3/28a)
UMG BROADENS SPOTIFY OFFERINGS
Sir Lucian and Daniel are in harmony. (3/28a)
THE NEW UMG
Gosh, we hope there are more press releases.
TIKTOK BANNED!
Unless the Senate manages to make this whole thing go away, that is.
THE NEW HUGE COUNTRY ACT
No, not that one.
TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN PLAYLIST
Now 100% unlicensed!
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