ANOTHER HALF-ASSED
WEAK-END PLANNER

THIS WEEK'S NEW MOVIES
"Monkeybone": This combination of "Beetlejuice" and "Who Killed Roger Rabbit?" was directed by Henry Selick, who collaborated with Tim Burton on "Nightmare Before Christmas." The screenplay, written by Sam Hamm (Burton's "Batman" screenwriter), is based on the comic-book graphic novel, "Dark Town." Looks like it could be pretty psychedelic, too, with Brendan Fraser playing a comic-strip artist who lapses into a coma after a freak accident and ends up in the partly animated Freudian purgatory Down Town, from which his sleep therapist, played by Bridget Fonda, attempts to rescue him. The cast of characters includes historical figures Lizzie Borden, Rasputin, Edgar Allen Poe, Typhoid Mary, Jack the Ripper, Attila the Hun and real-life author Stephen King—apparently not recovering from his recent traffic accident. The film co-stars Whoopi Goldberg as Death, Chris Kattan as a brain-dead gymnast/organ donor and Rose McGowan as a cat-like bar hostess in Down Town. Fraser eventually ends up reincarnated in the body of a horny monkey based on his titular comic-strip character, whose voice is provided by John Turturro. Sounds like the perfect movie to see after a coupla bong hits.

"3000 Miles To Graceland": It's like an MTV version of "Smokey & The Bandit," as video director Demian Lichtenstein helms Kurt Russell and Kevin Costner as a pair of Elvis impersonators who rob a Vegas casino, kinda like "Ocean's 11" with a lip curl and a sneer. Didn't I see this movie before, as "Honeymoon In Vegas," with Nicolas Cage and Sarah Jessica Parker? And if they were going for the youth audience, shouldn't these guys be imitating Eminem instead? And while we're on the subject, why aren't there more Elton John impersonators? As it is, they look way too old to be playing these roles, but maybe that's the joke. Hey, Elvis is lucky he died young. At least he didn't have to live to see his image trashed like this. The only thing I've seen that's more unpleasant is the trailer for "Town And Country," with Warren Beatty and Garry Shandling, crow's feet and all, running around like they're teenaged Lotharios. Hope I die before I get to be that old.
—Roy Trakin

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it." —Helen Rowland

MOVIE PICK OF THE WEEK
"O Brother, Where Art Thou?": I finally caught up with the Coen Brothers' bizarro bluegrass version of Homer's Odyssey, and while it's not up to their best (IMHO, "Fargo" and "Raising Arizona"), it is true to the wacky pair's long-running idiosyncratic vision of pop-culture heaven, hell and apocalypse. What's most fascinating about the project is the film is completely built around its best-selling soundtrack—in fact, the music was all recorded by producer T Bone Burnett even before a single frame of film was shot. And while the narrative itself is a shaggy-dog story that wanders here and there without amounting to much, the musical subtext represents nothing so much as the birth of rock and American pop culture. The whole movie, in fact, can be read as a pre-history of rock & roll—from its literal birth on a roadside chain gang breaking rocks (what else?) to the final performance by the fictional Soggy Bottom Boys of their "hit" single, "I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow," before a disbelieving audience at a political rally. The Coen brothers view the end of the post-bellum South in a flood of Dapper Dan hair pomade tins and cows surreally floating by on rooftops. As a character puts it early on in the Coen's always-unique wordplay, "Never seek logic in the chambers of the human heart." —Roy Trakin

LP'S PLAYSTATION 2 GAME OF THE WEEKTekken Tag Tournament: That's right web-freaks, LP iz back from a nice weekend of golf playing & shenanigans with your weekly Play Station 2 review of tha week. If you're into sum fighting sheeeit, you're going to enjoy this one. Tekken Tag Tournament is an update of Tekken 3, with the ability to "tag" between two fighters on the same team for two-on-two action. The game even allows pugilists to commence an attack, then switch characters mid-combo. Of course, the more varied the character line-up, the more interesting the linked attacks. Based on the arcade version, the PlayStation 2 version has impressive graphical enhancements, from vastly improved character and background renders to a few minor visual additions. —Latin Prince

PRESIDENTIAL FACT OF THE WEEK
Dwight D. Eisenhower, our 34^th president, was born Oct. 14, 1890 in Denison, TX. "Ike" parlayed a successful military career into the only public office he ever held. An avid golfer, Eisenhower had a putting green installed on the White House lawn and banished squirrels from the grounds because they were ruining the green. Near the end of his first term, Eisenhower suffered a heart attack. After seven weeks he left the hospital, and within five months doctors reported his recovery. Roughly a year after his heart attack, Eisenhower again soundly beat Democratic challenger Adlai Stevenson for the second time. Best Anagram Of His Name: Digs whitened whore.

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK
Put 'Em On The Glass! If one was to extrapolate the content of websites using only the URL as a clue, some sites would be misleading or, at the very least, obscure. Before clicking, can one tell, for instance, what might lie at www.theonion.com or www.myboot.com? There is no such mystery with www.boobscan.com. It is a site that is all about boobs being scanned. Each month, the kind folks at BoobScan offer up about a hundred pairs of boobs, submitted from all across the country, and visitors to the site get to vote on their favorites. The entertainment lies in the creativity of the scannees when they "put ‘em on the glass." Some include lingerie, some include flowers and one even included the hilt of a sword. This month, in honor of Valentine's day, candy hearts are one woman's accouterment of choice. Another has written "my boobs" across her boobs. Whether she chose to do this for our edification or for hers is a question only she can answer. (o Y o) —Jeff Drake

MARK YOUR CALENDAR!
Upcoming Birthdays
Feb. 23-March 1
23—Johnny Winter
25—Zeppo Marx
26—Fats Domino & Tex Avery
27—Ralph Nader
28—John Turturro
1—Harry Belafonte

Special Events
23—French Fry Friday (Tri-Cities, WA)
26—Bun Day (Iceland)
27—Bursting Day (Iceland) & Mardi Gras
March is Women's History Month
1—Whuppity Scoorie Day (Lanark, Scotland)

YOUR WEAK-END WEATHER
Not Drug-Free
I don't really care about the weather this weekend; I must remember to go to the dentist more than once a decade. For those of you in Los Angeles who aren't hopped-up on Vicadin, the weather should be fairly crummy. Today's high will only hit the mid-50s, and it will be cloudy. Tonight's low will be in the mid-40s. Saturday will be mostly cloudy, with similar temps and scattered rain. For Sunday's home XFL game, where I'll be self-medicating with 3.2 beer, the day will be rainy, with a high in the upper 50s and little much else to speak of. For those of you digging out of the monster storm on the East Coast, New York City in particular, the weekend should be a bit better. Tonight will be clear and chilly, dropping to the low 20s. Saturday will be partly cloudy, with a high in the mid-30s and a low in the upper 20s. And for those of you working—on hangovers—in Miami at Gavin, the weekend will be spectacular: Tonight will be mostly cloudy, with a low in the low 70s. Saturday and Sunday will be partly to mostly cloudly, with highs in the mid-80s and lows in the mid-70s. Please tell me that none of the pasty-white HITS staffers are hanging by the pool.
—David Simutis, apprentice meteorologist.

"FACTS OF LIFE" SUMMARY FOR THE WEEK
Mrs. Garrett tries to pick up the pieces after a scandalous scheme lands Jo, Blair, Tootie and Natalie in jail and expelled from Eastland.