GRAMMAR LESSONS

Whaddaya call a debut album by a relatively unknown artist that debuts in the Top Five and then remains there as it gathers momentum, thanks to one of the biggest singles of the year?

"It's immoral," said Democratic Vice Presidential nominee Joseph Lieberman. "Why can't we all just listen to the soundtrack to ‘Yentl'?"

Actually Joe—it's Nelly.

"Nelly has arrived and shows no signs of slowing down," said Valley Media's Kevin Hawkins, who refuses to vote for Dick Cheney because he's Jewish.

Although there was a very close three-way race for the top spot, this week's Top Five has turned out to be identical to last week's Top Five, with "NOW, Vol. 4" holding at #1, followed by Britney at #2, Nelly at #3, Eminem at #4 and NSYNC at #5.

"It's nice to see that even in the dog days of summer, when #1 debuts are few and far between, there are some titles that still keep the doors open," said Hawkins, who has no idea what that statement means, but he once read it in Billboard. "The ‘NOW' series has become a national phenomenon."

Rounding out this week's Top 10 are Creed, Papa Roach, 3 Doors Down, "Nutty Professor II" and comeback king Sting, who's got more life than the Eveready Bunny. The Stingster swaps places with cover girls Destiny's Child, now at #11. The week's debuts were Jo Dee Messina at #12 and Big L at #18.

Meanwhile, in an effort to ingratiate himself to a music industry he has often criticized over the years, Democratic Vice Presidential nominee Joseph Lieberman agreed to let three major rap artists "bitch-slap him like a ho" during the upcoming MTV Music Awards.