SHOW ME THE MEANING OF PAIN

Student protesters conducting a sit-in at the University of Toronto are enduring a thoroughly modern form of psychological warfare-Backstreet Boys music. There hasn't been this kind of aural torture since the CIA drove Noriega out of his compound by blasting Van Halen music over their loudspeakers, especially the albums featuring Sammy Hagar.

Twenty members of Students Against Sweatshops are occupying the President’s office at the University to protest the school store's purchase of clothing made with what they say is Third World sweatshop labor. To make their sit-in “a bit more uncomfortable,” according to the University’s Public Affairs office, the school is playing Backstreet Boys records loudly.

Apparently, Kathie Lee Gifford wasn’t available to sing “If They Could See Me Now” over and over, but agreed to send over some cheap Malaysian workers to disperse the demonstration.

“This is probably the first time the Backstreet Boys have been deliberately used as a form of sleep deprivation torture,” protester Sonia Singh told the National Post. “But like our political forebears, who survived the Fabian onslaught of ’62 and the Tiffany massacre of ’86, we will overcome.”

The demonstrators have been peaceful, though the University has refused to negotiate with them during the occupation; the school claims it has been crafting a policy on sweatshops and will consider a code of conduct in May.

No word yet on where the Backstreet Boys’ matching suits were made.

In related news, we understand that reading HITS’ “Pop Mart” aloud has extracted tearful confessions from suspects in several police states.